Episode #175; 9:19
Kramer's gal moves downtown which in the world of Season 9 becomes like another time zone for Kramer. He also signs up for a restaurant menu service, with the faxes being sent to Elaine's phone number, which is not hooked up to a fax and b/c of that, she must get a new phone number with a new area code, like Kramer's gal, a 646. She gets a 212 number again from an old woman named Gammy Kranz that died, but then a kid keeps calling her who is Gammy Kranz's grandson. George decided to change his name to T-Bone, but does not only not get that nickname, but becomes Koko the Monkey, then hires somone named Koko, thereby switching back to George, and ending the episode with becoming Gammy. Finally, Jerry is sleeping with his maid, thus the title of said episode.
This Top 25 episode is stimply hilarious, even though I've seen it so many times I can not only recite the script by heart, I can even remember facial expressions and the sweet pitch of Jerry's hoarse voice. There are so many hilarious and classic scenes that I have to go through the script to include them all, especially since this episode might be better than even a typical Top 25 episode.
We start this bad boy episode off at everyone's favorite uptown eatery, Monk's:
GEORGE: Well, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten as far as I can go with George Costanza.
JERRY: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?(Without flinching, as these two convos have been said many times)
GEORGE: The nickname. George. What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.
JERRY: You mean like...Liza! (Hilarious)
GEORGE: But I was thinking...T-bone.
JERRY: But there's no "t" in your name. What about G-bone?
GEORGE: There's no G-bone.
JERRY: There's a g-spot.
GEORGE: That's a myth.
George takes a bite of his sandwich and gets a piece stuck to his chin.
JERRY: T-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya.
Hilarious. Then cut to Jerry's place where Jerry pretends to continue whispering in Elaine's ear about his maid, but yells into it instead and then enter Kramer:
KRAMER: Hey. Well, bad news, boys. (b/c Elaine is one of the boys!) My life is over. My girlfriend's movin' away.
JERRY: You have a girlfriend?
Jerry stands up; Kramer opens the fridge.
KRAMER: Jerry, where have you been?
JERRY: At a rodeo. Where's she moving?
ELAINE: Downtown New York?
KRAMER: Yeah. I don't know if I can handle one of these long-distance relationships.(Hilarious)
JERRY: It's like 10 minutes by subway.
KRAMER: I don't know.
Kramer opens a bottled carbonated drink which overflows and spills onto the floor.
KRAMER: Oh! Jeez! Well, you've got a maid. (Nice)
It's a whole different world downtown-- different Gap, different Tower Records, (HI-LARIOUS!!!), and she's a 646.
A few seconds later:
KRAMER: Listen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna have to stop by later and pick up a fax.
ELAINE: At work?
KRAMER: No. At your apartment.
ELAINE: I don't have a fax machine.
JERRY: Here we go. (Beautifully executed)
KRAMER: Well, now what are we gonna do? (WE!!!)
(to Jerry) See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox. (Hilarious)
JERRY: And a dead bolt. (Nice)
KRAMER: (to Elaine) Are ya sure you don't have one? Because there's a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen.
ELAINE: Then maybe you have a fax machine.
KRAMER: You just blew my mind.
Besides those last 3 lines being hilarious, they were also the subject of much heated and intense controversy for quite a while between various Seinfeld fans and myself as to exactly why it's hilarious. Not only that, but I just, only just, figured out a 3rd way of interpreting what's flying here. But first to the controversy: I thought that Kramer was saying that since he had a lot of stuff in his apartment that he'd never seen, maybe Elaine might have a fax machine somewhere in his apartment. Everyone else in the sane world thought that he meant that since he had a lot of stuff in his apartment that he had never seen, that it's possible that Elaine also had stuff in her apartment that she had never seen, and thus, a chance for her to have a fax machine in her apartment. After a really long time, I gave in and realized that everyone was right and I was wrong for a change. (As he snickers. No, not the candy, which is soooo good, but I don't like when it gets stuck in my teeth or is melted and gets all over my fingers. (Mr. Finnicky Finniculi Finnicula a la Italy and The Maestro Maelstrom in EPCOT with the tree right before you descend via hydrolator with his sometimes broken eye(s). OK. I've gone too far. I'm in double parentheses and I'm commenting on my own comments and I'm way off topic and probably no one now has a clue what is flying except a select few.) Good. Now that we're out of parentheses land, wait, we're still in bold; one more parentheses to close.) Ahh, that's better. Now for the newly figured out explanation: Kramer's statement itself makes no sense whatsoever. How can there be stuff in his apartment that he's never seen. If he's never seen it, how does he know it is there??? Easy answer is obviously that he found stuff recently that he didn't know he had, but then he should have stated that explicitly. His statement simply makes no sense and we love him for it.
Cut to K Space Uger's House of Love where George is all ready to convince the office to call him T-bone, gets Kruger to question George's sanity in ordering a T-bone steak for lunch, emphasis on the lunch, and reaches the cusp of master plan, with "you might as well call me . . .", and then, BOOM, in comes big hefty Watkins to steal the limelight, as well as the nickname, commenting on how it sounds good and he'd like to order one too:
KRUGER: Watkins, you're havin' a T-bone?
WATKINS: I love 'em.
KRUGER: Well, then we should call you T-bone.
Now, you may be thinking, why on earth did I include that from the script. The reason was that these back and forths were one of the most oft-repeated lines in the history of quoting lines from TV shows in the house that Somer built. Kruger was a bit caught off guard by George's odd lunch request, but he totally forgets that and almost dies from a heart attack that WATKINS, super emphasized, especially that we emphasize it even more than Kruger does, and then Watkins reply of "I love 'em", we like to add on a "sir", but more of a "suh", like a George "sir", and then finally, Kruger finishing up with, super slow motion action jackson, with super accento on the T-bone, as the crowd cheers along at Watkins newly crowned nickname-title, with George depressed as ever. Classic.
We then have a nice little scene by Elaine skipping all of the answering machine messages that are faxes and George's call as well, which is just as unimportant, an angry name of Kramer, and then dying to know whether to pick up the phone or not, with the fax machine waiting to do it's usual beep ahh noise until after Elaine says, "hello". Cut to Jerry's place with these cute little scenes:
ELAINE: You are paying a woman to come to your house and sleep with you.
JERRY: No. I pay her to clean. The rest is--
ELAINE: What? A health plan?
JERRY: I was going to say, "Being a good host."
ELAINE: Where did you go?
JERRY: The store.
ELAINE: Mm! To get what?
ELAINE: Cleaning supplies?
JERRY: And gum.
ELAINE: Oh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated than diddlin' the maid and then chewin' some gum.
JERRY: She's not a maid. She might be a news woman!
Kramer enters and explains what all of the faxes are for, with our first of two puns:
KRAMER: Well, I signed up for a food delivery service, Now We're Cookin'. That's a play on words. You know, they're faxing me the menus from some restaurants.
ELAINE: Which ones?
KRAMER: Well, all of them. It's the deluxe package.
ELAINE: So this is never gonna stop?
KRAMER: Well, it better not. (Laughing at Elaine, like she's crazy at such a prospect to occur) Paid for the whole year. So, should I pick those up later?
ELAINE: You can pick 'em up right now.
Elaine imitates the fax squeal right into Kramer's ear.
KRAMER: Ah! (Beautiful)
Cut to Elaine's place where she wonders about killing the phone guy, just another reason why she deserves to go to jail in 9:24 The Finale Part 2, even though the phone guy was thinking the same thing, so it shows again, how they are just as evil as the other characters in the Seinfeld universe. For more on this debate, see my commentary in 9:24 The Finale Part 2
Cut to Jerry's place, where Kramer and Madeline are continuing their long distance relationship over the phone:
KRAMER: Madeline and I are watching Quincy together. Jerry, you know this comes on at the same time here as it does there?
JERRY: Really? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there?
KRAMER (into phone): Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. Oh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah. I'll go, too.
Kramer gets up and Jerry grabs the phone from him.
JERRY: Madeline stays here.
JERRY: Hey, T-bone!
GEORGE: No. No T-bone.
JERRY: No T-bone?
KRAMER (from bathroom): Hey, is that T-bone?!
JERRY: No! There's no T-bone!
KRAMER: Well, why no T-bone?!
JERRY: Why no T-bone?
GEORGE: 'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting is T-bone! (Screaming at the top of his lungs, hilarious, the whole scene, hilarious!)
Kramer returns from the bathroom and picks up the phone.
KRAMER: Oh, yeah I'm back. Hey, you wanna play cards over the phone?
Kramer opens the door.
KRAMER: Oh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry, uh, laundry's pilin' up there. You might want to tell your girlfriend. Mmm. Yeah.
GEORGE: Your girlfriend is doin' your laundry?
KRAMER (from hallway): He's sleeping with his maid! (Classic Kramer, hilarious, just hilarious!!!)
GEORGE: You're sleepin' with the maid?
GEORGE: I've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger? (Again with the ostriches, which began in 9:18 The Frogger and ends here)
JERRY: No. (Like George is so much better than Jerry for eating an ostrich burger, so he wins.)
Cut to the street for some classic Season 9 nuttiness:
Elaine and a man are talking.
MAN: You're probably one of those women who doesn't like to give out her number.
ELAINE: No, I'm not. Here you go.
ELAINE: It's a new area code.
MAN: What area? New Jersey?
ELAINE: No, no. It's right here in the city. It's the same as 212. They just multiplied it by 3, and then they added one to the middle number. It's the same.
MAN: Do I have to dial a one first?
Elaine nods and the man crumples up her number.
MAN: I'm really kinda seein' somebody.
ELAINE: Yeah? Well, so am I!
HI-LARIOUS!!! We then get George acting like a monkey with his banana in his hand walking up the wall (!) while he's screaming at Watkins for stealing his nickname and George crying about it and saying something bad about his wife, and a nice link to 9:11 The Dealership with Koko The Monkey. We then have, in our syndicated version, an entire scene missing, which was taken out for a valid reason, as it is not so necessary b/c she only finds out about Grammy Kranz passing away, but a tiny bit funny, which makes it necessary, b/c she died and she asks if she had a 212 number! We then cut to Jerry's place:
KRAMER: Hey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases?
JERRY: Yeah. It's in your closet.
KRAMER: No, no, no. I looked.
JERRY: They're behind my skis and my tennis racket. (Nice)
KRAMER: Thanks, buddy.
JERRY: Where you goin'?
KRAMER: Huh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend. You know, this place is lookin' kinda messy. What happened to Cindy?
JERRY: Well, she's here. She just didn't get around to it.
Cindy comes from Jerry's bedroom.
CINDY: Hi, Kramer.
She picks up her money from the counter.
CINDY: Thanks, Jerry. Bye. (Waving the money at the audience a bit too obviously and unnecessarily. We're not idiots. OK, maybe I'm not an idiot, but most people might be, so I guess it's acceptable. NOT. Ohhh, a la WWII, and no, I don't mean the World War II.) She leaves.
KRAMER: Well, what's the matter?
JERRY: What did I just pay for?
KRAMER: Uh-oh. You're a john.
Hilarious. But, to call it hilarious would imply that the coming up scene is equally hilarious, which it is not. The next scene literally makes or breaks the episode. It literally makes or breaks Seinfeld to tell you the truth, b/c it's one of most hilarious scenes in the entire series. Let's sit back, relax, and enjoy the comedy:
George and Jerry are sitting at the counter.
JERRY: Well, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is.
GEORGE: Yeah. So, how's Cindy the maid?
JERRY: Well, everything's goin' great except, basically, I'm payin' for sex.
GEORGE: Tell me about it. I went out with this girl last week. First I had to pay for dinner, then--
JERRY: No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute.
GEORGE: How much you pay this maid?
GEORGE: 40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't do laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'. All right. Once she pinched my ass, but I don't know what that was.
JERRY: I don't know what this is.
Kramer enters and sits at the counter so George is between him and Jerry.
KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey. Look at that.
Kramer shows off his I Love New York shirt. (by banging on his chest, like he's a tourist!!!)
JERRY: Ooh. (Mightily impressed in a sarcastic way)
KRAMER: Jerry, you wouldn't believe what it's like down there. Taxicab drivers are insane. You know, everybody is in a hurry. (HILARIOUS)
GEORGE: I can't eat with you leanin' over like this. Just look straight forward.
KRAMER: Well, now I can't see Jerry.
JERRY: I look about the same.
JERRY: I was talking to him.
JERRY: Never mind.
KRAMER: Come on. What'd he say?
GEORGE: Never mind.
KRAMER: Jerry, come on. What'd you say?
Kramer and Jerry try to talk to each other by leaning back and forth, but keep missing each other. Jerry leans forward to look at Kramer, but Kramer leans back. Kramer leans forward, Jerry leans back.
KRAMER: Come on. Where'd you go?
JERRY: Go back.
KRAMER: Eh! Come on. What did you say?
JERRY: I said, never mind.
KRAMER: Yeah. I know that. Uh, uh. (HILARIOUS)
JERRY: I hate the counter.
Elaine enters and sits at the counter next to Jerry.
ELAINE: I hate the counter.
KRAMER: Who's that? (HILARIOUS)
ELAINE (to Jerry): Well, I got a 212 number from this little old lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz.
JERRY: Oh, she didn't mind?
ELAINE: No. She died.
JERRY: Hey, that's great.
GEORGE: What happened to Mrs. Krantz?
JERRY: Elaine got a new number because she died.
KRAMER: Newman died? (I'M ON THE FLOOR CONVULSING)
ELAINE: What did he say?
JERRY: Some new kind of pie.
GEORGE: I'll try a piece. (FOAM FORMING AT THE MOUTH)
KRAMER: All right, who's down there?
JERRY: Hey, there's a booth.
They all get up to move.
KRAMER: Hey, Elaine.
ELAINE: Oh, hi.
KRAMER: Did you hear about Newman?
Aaand I'm spent. HILARIOUS ladies and gents, hilarious. We then cut to Jerry's place with another funny and then hilarious scene with Kramer:
Jerry is cleaning his kitchen and Cindy is reclined on the sofa. George enters.
JERRY: So how's it goin' at work? They get tired of it?
GEORGE: Oh, yeah.
He unfurls a jersey that reads, "Koko 00."
JERRY: Double zero?
GEORGE: It's "ooh" As in "ooh ooh ah ah."
CINDY: Your nickname's Koko? One of the girls down at the maid service is named Coco.
GEORGE: Really? Coco?
CINDY: Yeah. Coco. That girl's all right. (So prostitutish, if there is such a word)
Cindy gets up and goes into Jerry's bedroom.
GEORGE: You know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would never allow 2 Kokos.
JERRY: Sounds like he runs a real tight ship. (Nice)
GEORGE: Say good-bye to Koko.
George leaves as Kramer enters.
JERRY: Good-bye, Koko.
KRAMER: Bye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship is killing me. The distance, the longing, the distance, the-- you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person.
JERRY: Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you.
KRAMER: Oh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, be more like you? All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable, paying scrubwomen for sexual favors! No! Jerry, I won't be like you! Never! I'll never be like you! (It doesn't get much better than that folks. It doesn't get, much better, than, that. Folks. Period.)
Kramer storms out of the apartment and Cindy returns.
CINDY: What was that?
JERRY: I didn't hear anything. (Nice)
CINDY: All right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you forgetting something?
JERRY: Oh, right! Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your outfit. (Nice again)
A few lines later:
CINDY: So, what are you saying? That I'm a bad maid or some kind of a prostitute?
JERRY: Ho, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated.
CINDY: You know, I don't think I want to be your girlfriend or your maid.
JERRY: So is this a breakup/quitting?
CINDY: Yeah. Don't ever call me or hire me again.
Cindy walks out of Jerry's apartment.
JERRY: Oh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! And you're fired!
Nice ending to Kramer's hilarious scene. Then we get Bobby The Decker Schmecker Grandson Kranz with the lazy eye, who must have received said lazy eye after Paul O'Neill hit a couple of homers for him in 7:4 The Wink, and then we cut back to Jerry's place where Elaine and Jerry are playing Battleship:
JERRY: So the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead? G-5?
ELAINE: Hit. No. I guess his parents didn't want to tell him. B-2?
ELAINE: He called 6 times yesterday. What a nightmare it must be to have a real family.
JERRY: I wouldn't worry about it. B-6? (Beautiful)
ELAINE: Hit. Uhh...you sank my submarine.
Elaine makes an explosion sound. Jerry nods in approval. The phone rings and Jerry answers. (Does the word brilliant mean anything to you people. Brilliant.)
JERRY'S APARTMENT/PHONE BOOTH
COMPUTER VOICE: You have a collect call from--
KRAMER: Hey, buddy, don't say no! (Hilarious!)
JERRY: I accept.
KRAMER: I went down to Madeline's. I told her, "You gotta move, or it's over."
JERRY: Well, what happened?
Elaine gets up and leaves.
KRAMER: I think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody. I miss home, and I don't even know how to get there.(HI-larious!)
JERRY: What's around you?
KRAMER: I'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is?
JERRY: Is it Famous Ray's?
KRAMER: No. It's Original Ray's.
JERRY: Famous Original Ray's?
KRAMER: It's just Original, Jerry! (HI - LAR - I - OUS !!! In case you, the viewer, are not from NY, there are tons of varieties of Ray's Pizza all over Manhattan: Ray's Pizza, Famous Ray's Pizza, Original Ray's Pizza, Famous Original Ray's Pizza, and their are tons of each all over the 212 area code. Hilarious.)
JERRY: Well, what street are you on?
KRAMER: Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe. (There are a few times in a man's life where he dies laughing at something that Kramer says. This is one of these moments. Perfection achieved. On a side note, my friend Ander went down to 1st and 1st and there was no Ray's Pizza of any kind, but there was a phone booth, so we have an error as shown below. Actually, I forgot to put in this error when Ander told it to me, and only now, putting in the commentary, have I added it.)
JERRY: Just wait there. I'll pick you up, and, Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, I will find you! (Nice movie spoof of THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS which I saw with JJ, one evening and we were both disappointed. The reason we got the movie from the Blockbuster Video was b/c we had just seen Gangs of New York, which I own on DVD and is awesome, and we were both blown away by Daniel Day-Lewis' performance playing Bill the Butcher, that we had to see another one of his films.)
Hilarious. We then get our second pun, "Maid to Order", after Kramer's first pun of "New We're Cooking", along with "Steinfeld", which has been repeated so many times I can't even begin to count, as well as Daryn's Steinfeld, from years and years ago, and if memory serves me correctly, even before Season 9!. Beautiful job with Maxwell House Coffee being a pimp:
MAN: Oh, yeah? She told me what you like. You're a little sickie, aren't you? Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the counter--
JERRY: Hey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here.
MAN: You know what I do to people who stiff me on a job?
JERRY: What? (A bit scared)
MAN: Well, it kinda depends on the situation, but if I don't get my money from you, I'm gonna get it from her.
JERRY: I don't want to make trouble. You want the money? Here.
MAN: Hey! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Give it to the girl. I'm an independent contractor. Tax purposes.
Nice and our first of two sickies. Then we get Jerry's repetition of how nutty Kramer is with his "nexus of the universe", Cindy being a super-prostitute, and then our second sickie by the police in classic Season 9 nuttiness. Finally, we end the episode with George's master plan of nicknames gone awry, by just going back to plain old George:
KRUGER: Hey, Koko, Who's this? (HILARIOUS!)
INT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT
Everyone is gathered again around the conference table. George is standing introducing the newest employee.
GEORGE: This is our new Vice-president of Acquisitions, sir.
KRUGER: So you're just hiring new people now? That's your job, to hire people? (HILARIOUS)
KRUGER: Ok, good enough for me, Koko. (DANG)
George sits down.
KRUGER: Ahem. Now, what's your name?
COCO: My name is Coco. Coco Higgins.
KRUGER: We can't have 2 Cocos. So I guess you're back to being George.
GEORGE: Well, it was a hell of a ride.
KRUGER: All right, the Grace building. There's a big stain on the front. How do we get it off?
COCO: When I was a little girl in Jamaica, my Gammy taught me to take a wet rag and in a circ--
GEORGE: Ah, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, no one cares about your Gammy. (VICE PRESIDENT COCO!!!!!!!!!!)
COCO: What did you say about my Gammy?
GEORGE: Forget Gammy.
KRUGER: Who's Gammy?
GEORGE: There's no Gammy.
KRUGER: Maybe there should be a Gammy. (Again, super slow enunciation like t-bone back in the beginning of the episode. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.)
GEORGE: Oh, no.
ALL (chanting): Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! (Even Coco joining in on the fun!!!)
GEORGE: Gammy's gettin' upset!
It's tough to beat this episode when it ends with a name in 3rd person by George as Gammy. It's too funny. There are so many hilarious scenes as well as overall the whole episode being hilarious, overall, one the most hilarious episodes ever.
Adam - Coming soon
EPISODE GUIDE from Jerry Seinfeld: The Entire Domain by Kathleen Tracy
175."The Maid" (April 30, 1998)
SUMMARY Jerry starts sleeping with his cleaning lady and she stops cleaning his apartment, even though he's still paying her. When Elaine requests a new phone number, she gets the new 646 area code with it. George wants a cool nickname but instead gets nerdy ones. Kramer's girlfriend moves downtown.
DIRECTOR Andy Ackerman
TELEPLAY Alec Berg, David Mandel, and Jeff Schaffer; story: Alec Berg, David Mandel, Jeff Schaffer, Kit Boss, Peter Mehlman
GUEST CAST Daniel Von Bargen (Kruger); Angela Featherstone (Cindy); Anthony Crivello (Maxwell); Markus Flanagan (Charles); Sam Whipple (Phone Guy #1); Kyle Colerider-Krugh (Phone Guy #2); Steve Franken (Brendan); Davenia McFadden (Coco); Damon Jones (Watkins); Chip Chinery (Co-Worker #1); Colin McClean (Coworker #2); Anthony Mangano (Fireman)
Name in 3rd Person = 8 (plus 1 Gammy is getting upset in 9:19 The Maid)
Kramer is calling from 1st and 1st and claims there is an Original Ray's Pizza there. Thanks to Ander, we know this is not true.
(per episode except Cousin Jeffrey, Larry David, Farvman, and Lauren Bowles)
Thomas Dekker = 2 (plus 1 possibly voice of Bobby in 9:19 The Maid)
THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS
Girls Who Broke Up With Jerry
Cindy - Implies that she is some kind of a prostitute
Girls Who Broke Up With Kramer
Madeline - Gave her an ultimatum, either she moves back or itís over
Curb Your Enthusiasm Actors
Chip Chinery as Coworker #1 in 9:14 The Maid and Customer #1 in CYE The Car Salesman