[Jerry's parents are packing]
Helen: I hope you packed enough - this trial could last for weeks.
Morty: What's all that?
Helen: Cereal.
Morty: You're packing cereal?
Helen: I'm bringing it for Jerry.
Morty: You got enough here for a life sentence.
Helen: He likes it. He says he misses that more that anything.
Morty: So bring a snack-pack.
[George's parents are packing]
Estelle: Poor Georgie, was it our fault this happened to him? Did we do something wrong? Maybe it was our fault.
Frank: Maybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault. I can tell you that.
Estelle: Oh, so it was my fault, but not yours.
Frank: You were the one who smothered him.
Estelle: I did not smother him.
Frank: You smothered! He couldn't get any air! He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating!
Estelle: Sure, and you were always in Korea with your religious chachkis.
Frank: I had to make a living!
[Newman, laughing, leaves his building with a suitcase. Uncle Leo leaves with his bags, followed by J. Peterman, David Puddy in his 8-ball jacket, Mickey, Kenny Bania, Mr. and Mrs. Ross, Mr. Bookman, Keith Hernandez, and George
Steinbrenner.]
[The four are at a table. Jerry and Kramer are enjoying some cereal, while they wait for Jackie Chiles.]
Kramer: This is excellent huh? Don't worry I didn't use too much milk, cause I know we gotta make it last.
Jerry: You know I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life I've always filled to at least three quarters - sometimes, to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment.
Kramer: I bet.
Jerry: It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
[Enter Jackie Chiles]
Chiles: Good morning.
Elaine: Good morning, Jackie.
Jerry: Good morning.
Chiles: Is everybody ready? Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan?
George: It makes me look older.
Chiles: Look older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you amoral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed.
[Jerry laughs]
Chiles: Do you think it's funny?
Jerry: No.
Chiles: You damn right it isn't. You better not be carrying on laughing in that courtroom, funny man. Cause if you start getting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks, acting a fool, you gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that tie. Suzie, get one of my ties from my briefcase.
Elaine: How do I look, Jackie?
Chiles: Oh, you looking good. You look strong. You one fine-looking sexy lady.
Elaine: Thank you, Jackie.
Kramer: How bout me, Jackie?
Chiles: Kramer, you always look good. You got respect for yourself. You're genuine. Jury's going to pick up on that.
[Jackie hands Jerry a tie]
Chiles: Here.
Jerry: This one?
Chiles: That's right.
Jerry: Do I have to?
Elaine: Jackie says put it on, Jerry.
[Court is starting]
Bailiff: All rise. Fourth District County Court, Latham, Massachusetts is now in session. The Honorable Judge
Arthur Vandelay presiding.
George: Vandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay?
Chiles: Vanda who?
George: Jerry, did you hear that?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: I think that's a good sign.
Vandelay: Is the District Attorney ready to proceed?
Hoyt: We are, Your Honor.
Vandelay: Mr. Hoyt.
Hoyt: Ladies and gentlemen, last year, our City Council by a vote of twelve to two, passed a Good Samaritan Law. Now, essentially, we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human being in trouble. Now this group from New York not only ignored, but, as we will prove, they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint. I can guarantee you one other thing, ladies and gentlemen, this is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed. And you will see how everyone who has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged, deceived and betrayed. This time, they have gone too far. This time they are going to be held accountable. This time, they are the ones who will
pay.
[Newman shown eating popcorn]
Vandelay: Mr. Chiles.
Chiles: I am shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing - lying and laughing, laughing and lying. You know what these four people were? They were innocentbystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent. Bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know theywere bystanders, nobody's disputing that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no, they want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal - the guilty bystander. Don't you let them do it. Only you can stop them.
------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------
Vandelay: Is the prosecution ready to present its first witness?
Hoyt: We are, Your Honor. Call Officer Matt Vogel to the stand.
Bailiff: Call Matt Vogel.
Hoyt: So they were just standing there?
Voleg: Yes.
Hoyt: Did one of them have a video camera?
Vogel: Yes.
Hoyt: Your Honor, with the court's permission, we would like to play back that video and enter it into evidence as Exhibit A.
Vandelay: Proceed.
[The tape plays]
Victim: Don't shoot.
Jerry: Well, there goes the money for the lipo.
Elaine: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. They can't really chase ya!
George: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.
[Witness: the victim of the robbery]
Hoyt: So they just stood there and did nothing?
Victim: Yeah, nothing. Nothing!
Hoyt: No further questions.
[Enter NBC executives Stu Chermak and Jay Crespi]
George: Hey! Great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece of junk. You know you almost got us killed!
Hoyt: Call Mabel Choate to the stand.
Bailiff: Call Mabel Choate.
Chiles: Your Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of
the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential.
Hoyt: Your Honor, the prosecution has gone to great lengths and considerable cost to find these character witnesses.It is imperative that we establish this is not merely an isolated incident. It's part of a pattern of anti-social behavior that's been going on for years.
Vandelay: Objection overruled. I'll hear the witness.
Hoyt: Now, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell the court what happen the evening of January 4th.
Choate: Well, I was in Snitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man.
Hoyt: Let the record show that she is pointing at Mr. Seinfeld.
Hoyt: What did he want?
Choate: My marble rye.
Hoyt: Your marble rye?
Choate: I got the last one. He kept persisting, and I said no.
Hoyt: And then you left the bakery.
Choate: That's right.
Hoyt: But it didn't end there, did it, Mrs. Choate?
Choate: Oh no.
[Scene from past episode, "The Rye"]
Jerry: Gimme that rye.
Choate: Stop it.
Jerry: I want that rye lady.
Choate: Help - someone help.
Jerry: Shut up, you old bag!
[Back to the present]
Hoyt: No further questions.
Hoyt: I call Marla Penny to the stand.
Bailiff: Call Marla Penny.
Jerry: The virgin!
Hoyt: And what was your connection to the defendants?
Penny: I dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks in the autumn of 1992.
Hoyt: Then on the evening of October 28, there was an abrupt end to that relationship. Tell us what happened.
Penny: It's rather difficult to talk about.
Hoyt: It's alright. Take your time.
Penny: Well, I became aware of a -
Hoyt: A what?
Penny: A, uh -
Hoyt: Yes?
Penny: A contest.
Hoyt: Contest?
Penny: Yes.
Hoyt: What was the nature of the contest?
Penny: Oh please, I can't.
Hoyt: It's okay.
Penny: The four of them made a wager to see if they could -
Hoyt: Yes?
Penny: To see who could go the longest without gratifying themselves.
Peterman: For the love of God!
Penny: It was horrible, horrible!
Hoyt: Call Donald Sanger to the stand.
Jerry: Who the hell is that?
Mr. Sanger: Come on Donald, you're doing fine.
George: The Bubble Boy!
Chiles: Bubble Boy?
Jerry: That's right, the Bubble Boy.
Chiles: What's a Bubble Boy?
Jerry: He's a boy who lives in a bubble.
Bubble Boy: What the hell are all you looking at?
Hoyt: So Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in your house, October 7th, 1992.
Bubble Boy: Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend Costanza showed up instead, so I challenged him to a game of Trivial Pursuit.
[Scene from past episode, "The Bubble Boy"]
George: Who invaded Spain in the Eighth Century?
Bubble Boy: That's a joke - the Moors.
George: Oh no - I'm so sorry, it's the Moops. The correct answer is the Moops.
Bubble Boy: Moops? Let me see that. That's not Moops, you jerk. It's Moors. It's a misprint.
George: Sorry, the card says Moops.
Bubble Boy: It doesn't matter. It's Moors - there's no Moops.
George: It's Moops.
Bubble Boy: Moors!
George: Moops!
George: Help! Someone!
Bubble Boy: There's no Moops, you idiot.
Susan: Stop it! Let go of him!
Mrs. Sanger: Donald, stop it. No. Donald, stop it.
[Back to the court]
George: It was Moops.
Bubble Boy: Moors.
[Witness: the lady Kramer gave a defective wheelchair to in "The Handicapped Spot"]
Hoyt: So Mr. Costanza parked in a handicapped spot, and as a result you got in an accident, and your wheelchair was destroyed?
Lady: That's right.
Hoyt: And then Mr. Kramer gave you a used wheelchair?
Lady: That's right.
[Scene showing lady screaming going out of control down hill in her wheelchair.]
[Witness: Dr. Wilcox, the doctor on duty when Susan died]
Hoyt: So you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died?
Wilcox: Yes, that's right. It was May 16, 1996. I'll never forget it.
Hoyt: So you broke the news to Mr. Costanza? Could you tell the court, please, what his reaction was?
Wilcox: I would describe it as restrained jubilation.
Mr. Ross: Murderer!
Mrs. Ross: He killed our daughter! He knew those envelopes were toxic!
Vandelay: Order in this court!
Hoyt: Call Sidra Holland to the stand.
Chiles: Whew! Look at this one, she fine. You dated her?
Hoyt: So you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health club sometime in 1993?
Sidra: Yes.
Hoyt: And you also met Miss Benes in that same health club?
Sidra: Yes, that's true.
Hoyt: Would you describe the circumstances of that meeting.
Sidra: We were in the sauna, making chit-chat.
[Scene from past episode, "The Implant"]
Sidra: You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcie.
Elaine: Oh, hi, I'm Elaine.
[Back in the courtroom]
Hoyt: So, she pretended to trip, and she fell into your breasts?
Sidra: Yes.
Hoyt: Why would she do something like that?
Sidra: Because he sent her in there to find out if they were real.
[Witness: Joe Bookman, library cop]
Hoyt: State your name.
Bookman: Bookman, Joe Bookman.
Hoyt: And what's your occupation?
Bookman: I'm a library cop.
Hoyt: What does a library cop do?
Bookman: We chase down library delinquents.
Hoyt: Anyone in this room ever delinquent?
Bookman: Yeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld.
Hoyt: How long was his book overdue?
Bookman: 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.
Hoyt: What do you call them?
Bookman: Criminals.
[Witness: George's old girlfriend]
Hoyt: So you and Mr. Costanza were dating.
Woman: Yes.
Hoyt: And then what happened?
Woman: Well, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and -
[Scene from past episode, "The Fire"]
George: Fire! Get out of the way!
[Back to the courtroom]
[Witness: parking lot security guard]
Guard: At the time, I was employed as a security guard in the parking lot at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall.
[Scene from past episode, "The Parking Garage"]
Jerry: Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
Guard: I don't know.
Jerry: Because I could get uromycitisis poisoning and die - that's why.
[Back to the courtroom]
Hoyt: Uromycitisis! I wonder if they're having any trouble controlling themselves during this trial? Perhaps these two
hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom!
Chiles: Objection, Your Honor! This is completely inappropriate! My clients' medical condition is not on trial here!
I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990.
Vandelay: Sit down, Mr. Chiles.
[Witness: Police Detective]
Hoyt: Alright, Detective, then what happened?
Detective: We got a tip that a lot of prostitutes had been turning tricks in the parking lot.
[Scene from past episode, "The Wig Master"]
Pro: You just cost me some money.
Kramer: Cool it, lady. Cool it. Cool it, lady. Cool it.
Police: Police officers - freeze right there!
[Back to the courtroom]
Hoyt: So Cosmo Kramer was, in fact, a pimp.
[Witness: the low-talker]
Hoyt: So you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show?
[Mumble]
Hoyt: Excuse me?
Chiles: Uh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This woman's a low-talker. I can't hear
a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's move on.
[Witness: George Steinbrenner]
Hoyt: Call George Steinbrenner to the stand.
Bailiff: Call George Steinbrenner.
Hoyt: So George Costanza came to work for you in May of 1994?
Steinbrenner: Yes, that's right, he was good kid - a lovely boy. Shared his calzone with me - that was a heck of a sandwich, wasn't it, Georgie?
George: Yes, sir, that was a good sandwich, sir.
Steinbrenner: He had one little problem though.
Hoyt: What was that?
Steinbrenner: He was a communist. Thick as they come. Like a big juicy steak.
Frank: How could you give twelve million dollars to Hideki Irabu?!
Vandeley: Order!
[Witness: Man from "The Little Jerry"]
Hoyt: Cock fighting?
Witness: Cock fighting.
[Witness: Pharmacist from "The Sponge"]
Pharmacist: Sponges. I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. They're for sex. Said she needed a whole case of
them.
[Witness: Elaine's old boyfriend]
Man: She exposed her nipple.
[Witness: Mr. Pitt from "The Diplomat's Club"]
Hoyt: How did she try to kill you?
Pitt: She tried to smother me with a pillow.
Hoyt: Call Yev Kassem to the stand.
Bailiff: Call Yev Kassem.
Jerry: Who?
Elaine: The Soup Nazi!
Chiles: Soup Nazi? You people have a little pet name for everybody.
Hoyt: State your name.
Soup Nazi: Yev Kassem.
Hoyt: Could you spell that?
Soup Nazi: No! Next question.
Hoyt: How do you know the defendants?
Soup Nazi: They used to come to my restaurant.
[Scene from past episode, "The Soup Nazi"]
George: Medium turkey chili.
Jerry: Medium crab bisque.
George: I didn't get any bread.
Jerry: Just forget it. Let it go.
George: Um, excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: Three dollars!
George: What?
Soup Nazi: No soup for you!
[Back in the courtroom]
Soup Nazi: But the idiot clowns did not know how to order. I banned that one - the woman - for a year. Then one day,
she came back.
[Back to the "Soup Nazi" episode]
Elaine: Five cups chopped porcini mushrooms. Half a cup of olive oil. Three pounds celery.
Soup Nazi: That's my recipe for wild mushroom.
Elaine: You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!
[Back in the courtroom]
Soup Nazi: She published my recipes. I had to close the store, move to Argentina. She ruined my business!
Elaine: Soup's not all that good anyway.
Soup Nazi: What did you say?!
Hoyt: The state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand.
Jerry: How did they find Babu?
Elaine: I thought he was deported.
Hoyt: You came a long way to be here today, haven't you?
Babu: Yes, all the way from Pakistan.
Hoyt: And what's your connection to the defendant?
Babu: I owned a restaurant. Seinfeld told me to change the menu to Pakistani. But nobody came! There were no people.
Hoyt: And then what happened?
Babu: Then, he got me an apartment in his building. But they mixed up the mail. And I never got my immigration renewal papers. So they deported me. It's all his fault. Him. And the woman. But they did not care. They're totally indifferent. All they do is mock me, just like they did the fat fellow. All the time. Mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking. All the time! Now it is Babu's turn to mock. Finally I will have some justice. Send them away! Send them all away! Lock them up forever! They are not human. Very bad! Very, very, very bad!
------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------
[Rivera Live]
Rivera: Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera and welcome to this special edition of Rivera Live. Well, arguments in the
Good Samaritan trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberation for four and a half hours now. Let's go live to
Jane Wells who is in Latham, Massachusetts, covering this trial for us. Jane -
Wells: Geraldo, just a few minutes ago, the jury asked to see the video tape.
Rivera: That's the one where they are overheard making sarcastic remarks during the robbery.
Wells: Yes, it's a very incriminating piece of evidence. But I must tell you, Geraldo, this courtroom and everyone who has attended this trial is still reeling from the endless parade of witness who have come forth so enthusiastically to testify against these four seemingly ordinary people. One even had the feeling that if Judge Vandelay didn't finally put a stop to it, it could've gone on for months.
Rivera: Jane, whose testimony do you think resonated most strongly with this jury?
Wells: That is so hard to say. Certainly there's the doctor with the poison invitations. The Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well with this small town jury.There's the woman they sold the defective wheelchair to, the deported Pakistani restaurateur. Geraldo, it just went on,
and on, and on, into the night.
Rivera: And so we wait.
[The group, waiting for the jury to decide]
Jerry: Do they make you wear uniforms in prison?
Elaine: I think so.
Jerry: It's not that bright orange one is it?
Elaine: I hope it's not that one, because I cannot wear orange.
Kramer: Will you stop worrying? Jackie's going to get us off. He never loses. How about when he asked that cop
if a black man had ever been to his house. Did you see the look on his face?
[George's mother, Estelle, tries to butter up Judge Vandelay]
Estelle: Sorry to bother you, Judge.
Vandelay: How did you get in here?
Estelle: Please, if he's found guilty, please be kind to him. He's a good boy.
Vandelay: This is highly irregular.
Estelle: Well, maybe there's something I can do for you.
Vandelay: What do you mean?
Estelle: You know
[Witnesses waiting in pool hall, at restaurant, etc. Mr. Ross buys a gun.]
[Sidra Holland and Jackie Chiles are in bed]
Sidra: Oh, Jackie, you're so articulate.
Jackie: We have plenty of time, too. This jury could be out for days.
[Phone rings]
Jackie: Hello? Damn. They're ready.
[Back in the courtroom]
Jerry: Hey Elaine, what was it you were about to say to me on the plane when it was going down?
Elaine: I've always loved ... United Airlines.
[Jury reenters the courtroom]
Kramer: I think it's going to be okay - that girl just smiled at me.
Jerry: Maybe because she knows you're going to jail.
Bailiff: All rise.
Vandelay: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
Foreman: We have, Your Honor.
Vandelay: Will the defendants please rise. And how do you find, with respect to the charge of criminal indifference?
Foreman: We find the defendants - guilty.
Vandelay: Order! Order in this court, I will clear this room! I do not know how, or under what circumstances the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of youto spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves.
I know I will. This court is adjourned.
[Exit Judge Vandelay]
George: You had to hop! You had to hop on the plane.
Elaine: Puddy, don't wait for me.
Puddy: Alright.
Frank: We gotta get out of here. We want to beat the traffic.
Sidra: Come on, Jackie. Let's go.
Jerry: What?
Chiles: Oh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.
[The group, walking back to the holding cell]
Jerry: Well, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year, and then we'll be back
Kramer: Could be fun. Don't have to worry about your meals, or what you're going to do Saturday night. And they do shows. Yeah, we could put on a show - maybe "Bye Bye Birdie" or "My Fair Lady". Elaine, you could be Liza Doolittle.
Elaine: Why don't you just blow it out your...
[They enter the cell]
Elaine: If I call Jill from prison, do you think that would make up for the other ones?
Jerry: Sure.
Elaine: Cause you only get one call. The prison call is like the king of calls.
Jerry: I think that would be a very nice gesture.
Kramer: I got it - it's out! How about that, huh? Oh, boy, what a relief.
Jerry: See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George: Really?
Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's
too high, it's in no-man's land.
George: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------
[Epilogue, on stage in the prison]
Jerry: So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of
course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison?
You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D?
Prisoner 1: I am.
Jerry: I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?
Prisoner 2: Murder one.
Jerry: Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about
you, what are you in for?
Prisoner 3: Grand theft auto.
Jerry: Grand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes.
Prisoner 3: You suck - I'm gonna cut you.
Jerry: Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand.
Guard: Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.
Jerry: Alright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria.
<Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">