Season 6, Episode # 19

Original Air Date: April 27, 1995

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Cast:

Jerry................................Jerry Seinfeld

Elaine...............................Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Kramer...............................Michael Richards

George...............................Jason Alexander

Guest Starring:

Estelle..............................Estelle Harris

Frank................................Jerry Stiller

David................................Patrick Warburton

Nancy................................Marla Sucharetza

Dr. Cooperman........................Lou Cutell

Clerk................................Yvette Cruise

Security Guard.......................Jeff Coopwood

Sally................................Judith Shelton

Doctor...............................Apollo Dukakis

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[Opening Scene: Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment

building]

Jerry: I hear you're going out with David Putty.

Elaine: Yeah. What, is it a problem?

Jerry: Well, I think he could've asked me. Supposed to be a friend of mine.

Elaine: Well, I guess he figured you just wouldn't care. It *has* been a

few years.

Jerry: Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want

it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than

you. Now, even though the latter is *obviously* impossible.

Elaine: Oh, god.

Jerry: The former still applies. I don't know what it is, but I just can't

see you with a mechanic.

Elaine: Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those mechanics do is work all

day with their hands and their *big*, *muscular* arms on machines, and then

they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a

huge turn-off that is.

Jerry: All right.

[At Monk's, George and Estelle are looking over their menus]

George: Look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a

lobster here. I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday hoping *todays*

the day.

Estelle: So what if they have a lobster. Suddenly you're a shell-fish

connoisseur.

George: You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set.

You take T.V. out of this relationship, it is *just* torture.

Estelle: So, I'm getting an eye job.

George: An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job.

Estelle: Georgie, I'm a divorcee.

George: No, you're not a divorcee. You˙re just separated. You're---you're

a separatee.

Estelle: Well, I'm out there, George.

George: No, you're not out there.

Estelle: I am, too!

George: You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And

if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to

electroshock me back into coherence!

Estelle: Well, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday and I need you to drive

me home because I'll be all drugged up.

George: Tuesday? I can't do it Tuesday. Steinbrenner needs me to run---

Estelle: This is the only time the doctor *has*.

[Kramer walks by their table on his way out]

George: Kramer, hey, hey! [Gets up out of his seat]

Kramer: Hi, little buddy.

George: Come on over and sit down.

Kramer: Hey, listen, I gotta go somewhere.

George: No, you're gonna sit down, you son of a gun...

Kramer: All right, I'm sitting down. How are you? [Kisses Estelle on the

cheek]

Estelle: So, Kramer. I'm getting an eye job.

Kramer: Oh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have to look your best. You're

out

there now.

George: She's not out there!

Kramer: So, who is your doctor?

Estelle: Uh, Bakersoll.

Kramer: [whistles]. He's good. He's *very* good. He worked on this kid

from Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban.

George: Hey, Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday?

Kramer: Tuesday? Uh...

George: Why doesn't *he* pick you up after the operation. He's got the car

with the bench seats that you like.

Estelle: Oh, I don't care.

Kramer: Yeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody anywhere until I go down to

the motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates.

George: Well, giddy-up!

[At the motor vehicle bureau...]

Kramer: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo

Kramer.

Clerk: Kramer.... [checks computer] All right...

Kramer: All righty...

Clerk: Sign right here, please. [hands over clipboard]

Kramer: [signs it] Okay. [The clerk hands him a manila envelope]. Thanks.

[opens up the envelope] Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm

not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.

Clerk: What's your name again?

Kramer: Cosmo Kramer.

Clerk: [checks computer again] Cosmo Kramer. You *are* the Assman.

Kramer: No! I'm not the Assman.

Clerk: Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are.

[Failing to clear up the mistake, Kramer drives off with the new plates

attached]

[Meanwhile, we join Elaine and David---in bed, I should add. David, who

apparently looks satisfied, is still breathless. Elaine, on the other hand,

is looking somewhat, preoccupied]

David: How do you feel?

Elaine: Fine.

David: Something the matter?

Elaine: No.

David: Then what is it?

Elaine: No, nothing.

[Later on, at Monk's, Jerry has just come in to meet Elaine. He joins her at

the booth]

Jerry: Hi.

Elaine: I was with David *Putty* last night.

Jerry: Yeah, so.

Elaine: He did the move.

Jerry: What move?

Elaine: You know...*the* move.

Jerry: Wait a second. *My* move?

[Elaine nods].

Jerry: David Putty used *my* move?

Elaine: Yes, yes.

Jerry: Are you sure?

Elaine: Jerry! There is no confusing *that* move with any other move.

Jerry: I can't believe it. He *stole* my move.

Elaine: What else did you tell [reaches over to slap Jerry] him. [does it

again] The two of you must have had *quite* a little chat!

Jerry: Oh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even mention you. You know, we

were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex

talk. It's a high-testosterone area.

Elaine: Because of all the pistons and the lube jobs?

Jerry: Well, I'm going down to that garage and telling him to stop doing it.

Elaine: Well, wait---wait a second.

Jerry: What?

Elaine: Isn't that a little...rash?

Jerry: No! He stole my move!

Elaine: Yeah, but...*I* like the move.

Jerry: Yeah, but it's like another comedian stealing my material.

Elaine: Well, he doesn't even do it exactly the same. He--he--he uses a

pinch at the end instead of the *swirl*!

Jerry: Oh, yeah. The pinch. *I've* done the pinch. That's not new.

Besides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves now. His

whole *repertoire* could be lifted.

Elaine: You know, it's strange, because he's such an honest mechanic.

Jerry: I know, he's probably the only honest mechanic in New York.

[Later, Jerry and George are outside, where Jerry has just bought a candy bar

at the newsstand]

Jerry: ...so he stole my move and he's using it on Elaine.

George: You told David Putty your move and you didn't tell *me*? I *need* a

move. You know I have no moves, Jerry. [points to the candy bar] Gimme a

bite.

Jerry: Can I just get it opened first?

George: I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing

two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo.

Jerry: All right, all right. Here. [hands George a piece of the candy

bar].

George: [takes a bite] Oh, that's good. That's very good.

Jerry: You feel better?

George: Yeah, much better. All right, so what's the move, because I need

*something*. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her nails during

love-making.

Jerry: Nancy Klopper?

George: Yeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm working like a dog here.

Give me a moan. *Something*. I'd settle for a belch, for god's sake. All

right, come on, let's have it.

Jerry: All right, George. I'm gonna tell you. But I just wanna make sure,

before---

George: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. I'm putting it in the vault.

Jerry: It's not even a question of that. The point is when something like

this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to be used in a

*conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used---

George: You're gonna tell me...or not.

Jerry: All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? You'll need a

headboard.

George: I got a headboard.

Jerry: Is it padded?

George: No.

Jerry: Good. How tall is she?

George: Five-foot four. Why?

Jerry: You can't have more than a one-foot differential in your heights.

Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck.

George: I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this.

Jerry: George, if you could master this, you'll never be alone again.

[Back at Jerry's apartment: Jerry and George have just walked in, still

conversing on the same subject]

Jerry: Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the

swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is a great

capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous.

George: Is it a clockwise swirl?

Jerry: I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone.

[Kramer enters, holding an object of some kind].

Kramer: Here you go, buddy. [shows it to Jerry].

Jerry: What is it?

Kramer: *Fusilli* Jerry! It's made from Fusilli pasta. See the microphone?

Jerry: When did you do this?

Kramer: In my spare time. [turns to George]. You know, I'm working on one

of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta

that captures the individual.

Jerry: Oh... Why Fusilli?

Kramer: Because *you're* silly. Get it? [hands the Fusilli to Jerry]

Yeah...

Jerry: Well, thank you very much.

George: So, did you get your new plates?

Kramer: Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody

got mine and I got their *vanity* plates.

George: What do they say?

Kramer: Assman.

Jerry: Assman?

Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!

Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?

George: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.

Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be

just some guy with a big ass.

Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.

Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist.

George: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.

Kramer: Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very

good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away.

*Plant* yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've

ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck* something

up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in

the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."

[A phone rings in the distant]

Kramer: Oh! There's my phone. [He leaves]

George: So, where you gonna stick this [points to the Fusilli Jerry]

Jerry: I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it.

[We cut to the garage where David Putty is working on a car. Jerry walks in]

Jerry: Hey, David.

David: Oh, hi, Jerry.

Jerry: Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move.

David: What move?

Jerry: What move? *My* move. The one I told you about. You used it on

Elaine.

David: You're move? What, are you kidding? I was doing that before I knew

you. All you told me about was the ending.

Jerry: The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing.

You had *nothing*.

David: Oh, that ending was *so* obvious. I would have figured it out

anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.

Jerry: Swirl.

David: Whatever. I don't even do it.

Jerry: Oh, yeah, I know. You do the *pinch*.

David: Yeah, that's right.

Jerry: You can't come up with your own stuff , so you *steal* other peoples?

You're nothing but a hack.

David: Are you through, 'cuz, uh, I gotta get back to work.

Jerry: Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you know. If you wanna do it out

of town...okay. But not in the city.

David: All right, how about the next time your car breaks down, you take

*that* out of town.

Jerry: Fine.

David: Good!

[While driving, Jerry hits a pothole and his car is now making a clanking

noise]

[We join George and Nancy, who are....getting busy under the covers.]

Nancy: Ow, George! [crawls out from beneath the covers] What are you

doing?

George: [pops his head out of the covers, looking a bit confused] Uh...you

know, uh...pleasuring you.

Nancy: Well, stop it!

George: You don't like the move?

Nancy: No. I don't.

George: You're kidding.

Nancy: No, I'm not. It feels like aliens poking at my body.

George: Sorry. I'll just go back to my usual routine.

[Back to Elaine and David in the middle of, uh...you know...]

Elaine: Oh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes!

David: No, I'm sorry.

Elaine: What?!!

David: I can't do the move.

Elaine: What?

David: Oh, he's ruined it for me.

Elaine: Oh, oh, come on, please?

David: No, he called me a hack. I'm just not into doing it anymore.

Elaine: Oh, so---so that's it?

David: I'll come up with some new stuff.

[Cut to Kramer heading towards his car. He picks up a note on his windshield

and reads it...]

Kramer: "Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six. I think I have what

you're looking for." [Pleased by the note, Kramer stumbles into his car].

[Meanwhile, Estelle is at Dr. Bakersoll's office]

Dr. Bakersoll: I must caution you about one thing. You can't cry for at

least ten day. You can ruin the operation.

Estelle: Oh, okay.

Dr. Bakersoll: Now, is someone coming to pick you up?

Estelle: Yes, my son's friend should be here any minute.

[In the parking lot just outside, Kramer has pulls into a "Doctors Only"

space]

Security Guard: Can I help you?

Kramer: Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. [points to plate] Proctology.

Security Guard: Oh, oh, okay. Sure...

Kramer: Thanks. Have a good day.

[Kramer is driving Estelle home]

Kramer: I just can't get over how fantastic you look.

Estelle: Oh, really?

Kramer: Oh, yeah. This takes twenty years off.

Estelle: And it was all done by laser. I don't even need bandages.

[As a car passes Kramer, someone yells out, "Yo, Assman! Look at the

Assman!" Kramer waves].

Estelle: Did he say "Assman"?

Kramer: Oh, yeah.

Estelle: Oh my goodness.

[Another car passes: "Hey, the Assman's in town!"]

Kramer: You got that straight!

Estelle: Boy. I never dreamed it could make such a difference.

[Kramer makes a sudden stop, and in a protective gesture, he sticks his arm

out in front of Estelle.]

[Back to Jerry's apartment]

Jerry: You must have done *something* wrong. You probably screwed up the

order. Did you close with the swirl?

George: Supposed to close with the swirl?

Jerry: Oh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl. There's a progression

there. I told you to write it down.

George: Yeah, yeah, should've written it down.

[Bzzz. Jerry walks over to answer it]

Jerry: Yeah?

Buzzer: Elaine.

Jerry: C'mon up. [turns to George] You know what? Do me a favor. Don't

even do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name.

[The phone rings]

Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? Twenty-eight hundred

dollars?!! That's the estimate on my car?!! No, don't even do anything.

I'm gonna think about it. Okay, bye.

George: What's to think about? If Putty says it's what it is, it's what it

is. He's not gonna cheat you.

Jerry: Except that it's not Putty.

George: What happened to Putty?

Jerry: Eh, we had a little fight about the move. I took her to this other

place. I think they might be trying to screw me.

George: Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think?

That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. "By the

way, you need a new Johnson rod in there." "Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well,

you better put one of those on."

[Elaine comes in looking a bit peeved]

Jerry: Hey, Elaine.

Elaine: Yeah, yeah, hello.

Jerry: Is it something I said?

Elaine: Yes! As a matter of fact! David Putty won't do the move anymore.

Jerry: Really?

Elaine: Oh, he's come up with some other move. You should see this thing.

Jerry: What is it?

Elaine: Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy stuff. You know what it's

like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*.

Jerry: Huh.

Elaine: I mean, this move is no good, Jerry. It's just taking up a lot of

my time. And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me,

when a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing!

George: Let me ask you a question. This new move. Is there a knuckle

involved in any way?

Elaine: Yes. As a matter of fact, there is.

George: I think that's mine.

Elaine: I'm not surprised.

Jerry: Listen. I need you to do me a favor. When's the next time you're

gonna see him?

Elaine: Why?

Jerry: You gotta get an estimate on my car from him. I think this garage is

trying to screw me.

Elaine: An estimate? How am I supposed to do that?

Jerry: Well, look. Here's the work order with everything that broke. Just

kind of bring it up at the right time and find out. [hands Elaine the work

order]

Elaine: [takes the work order and points to the Fusilli Jerry sitting on the

table] What? What is this?

Jerry: That's, uh, Fusilli Jerry.

Elaine: Fusilli Jerry?

Jerry: Yeah. Kramer made it.

George: All right, listen, I'll see you guys later.

[As George is leaving, Kramer comes in with a female companion]

Jerry: Hey, Assman!

Kramer: Hey, well, this is Sally.

Sally: Hello.

Jerry: Hi.

Elaine: Hi.

Kramer: Shall we go?

Sally: Okay. [turns around and walks out with an exaggerated swing of her

hips]

[Elaine, Jerry, and George make a face]

[Back at the Costanzas' house...]

Estelle: You can't face the fact that I'm improving myself.

Frank: You're not the only one improving yourself. I worked out with a

dumbbell yesterday. I feel *vigorous*.

Estelle: Just take your mail and go home. I have things to do.

Frank: I got things to do, too.

Estelle: Don't upset me! I can't cry!

Frank: Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, huh?

Estelle: Well, it's already working. Kramer made a pass at me.

Frank: Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy.

Estelle: I'm not crazy. He stopped short and made a grab.

Frank: He stopped short? That's my move. I'm gonna kill him!

[Once again, we join Elaine and David...in bed as usual...doing what they do

best]

Elaine: Hey, let me ask you a question.

David: Sure.

Elaine: What do you charge for blown shocks?

David: What?

Elaine: Two, three hundred?

David: I don't know. Maybe five hundred.

Elaine: Ah.

[They go back to kissing]

Elaine: What about a bad gasket?

David: Bad gasket?

Elaine: Yeah. Like a terrible gasket.

David: What is all this?

Elaine: Nothing, nothing. I'm just taking an interest in what you...do.

David: What kind of car is it?

Elaine: Oh...any kind of---of a Swedish car.

David: All together, that could run about sixteen hundred.

Elaine: Oh.

[Kiss again]

Elaine: Is that with the parts and labor?

David: Uh-huh.

Elaine: Hmm.

[Kiss...again]

Elaine: Oh, no. No, David. No, please. Not the knuckle....

[Back to George and Nancy in bed. George is looking quite pleased with

himself. Nancy, on the other hand, looks...bewildered...pleasantly

surprised...]

Nancy: Wow. That was...*great*. I mean...*wow*.

George: It just came to me.

Nancy: I---I've never in my life have---have I---. What was that?

George: You mean in the end?

Nancy: Uh-huh.

George: A counter-clockwise swirl.

[Spotting something on George's hand]

Nancy: What's that?

George: What?

Nancy: On---on your hand? Let me see what's on your hand.

George: Nothing. I don't know...just a little dirt.

Nancy: Give me that. [grabs his hand] I wanna see what's on your hand.

[They struggle for a bit, but Nancy finally gets a hold of his hand and tries

to make out the scribble]

Nancy: Number one. Take her leg.... Oh, my god! Crib notes? You've got

crib notes?!!

George: It's a very complicated move! I couldn't remember it all.

Nancy: Oh, my god, you're sick. [gets out of bed]

George: You know, it's not the S.A.T.s!

[Cut to Frank on the streets. He spots Kramer's car. He looks inside the

back window and sees the "Bro"---or is it the "Manssierre"? He checks out

the plates]

Frank: Assman? I'll get him, Assman!

[Back to Jerry's apartment]

Jerry: Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all? *Ooh*, they are ripping me

off.

Elaine: So what are you going to do?

Jerry: Well, that's it. I'm going back to Putty. No move is worth this.

Elaine: Oh! You mean you don't care if he does the move anymore?

Jerry: Are you kidding? He can do every move I've ever done! Do you know

what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.

[There's a knock at the door and Jerry goes over to answer it]

Jerry: Hi, Mr. Constanza. What's uh...?

Frank: Where's your friend Kramer?

Jerry: I don't know. Why?

Frank: Because I'm looking for him. That's why. He stopped short.

Jerry: What do you mean?

Frank: In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. You think I don't know

what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty years

ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows! [Demonstrates] Hmmph! I

stopped short.

Jerry: Really, stopping short. That's a good move.

Frank: You're not kidding it's a good move!

[Kramer walks in.]

Kramer: Hey.

Jerry: Hey.

Kramer: Hey, Frank.

Frank: Don't Frank me! I know what you did. How dare you stop short with

my wife!

Kramer: C'mon, Frank, relax. I don't even know what you're talking about.

[Frank backs Kramer into the table, knocking the Fusilli Jerry to the floor]

Frank: You think I don't know, Assman?!! To think I almost split the

profits on the Manssierre with you.

Kramer: Bro.

Frank: Manssierre!

Kramer: Bro!

Frank: Manssierre! You...!

[Frank grabs Kramer by the collar and in doing so, he slips and falls right

on top of the Fusilli Jerry]

Frank: Aah!!!

Jerry: Oh, my god!

[Everyone gasps in horror, including George, who was just walking in at that

very moment]

[At the medical center, the gang is in the waiting room, waiting for the word

on

Frank's condition. Looks like they're still in shock]

Jerry: If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it.

Elaine: Me either.

George: They say this guy's the best.

Jerry: He had to use cork-screw pasta.

[At that thought, Jerry, George, and Elaine shift uncomfortably in their

seats. Meanwhile, Kramer is checking out the pictures on the wall. He spots

something...]

Kramer: Jerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.

[Jerry joins him]

Kramer: The name on the boat. Look at it.

Jerry: Assman!

Kramer: Yeah [points towards the doctor's office], he's the Assman! Jerry,

*he's* the Assman!

[The doctor walks in]

Doctor: Which one is the son?

George: [stands up] I am.

Doctor: Ah. I'm Doctor Cooperman. I just want you to know that this won't

take long. And he's going to be fine.

[Kramer stops Dr. Cooperman at the door.]

Kramer: Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by any chance recently get the

wrong license plates?

Dr. Cooperman: Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor vehicle bureau to

straighten it out.

Kramer: So...you're the Assman.

[Dr. Cooperman winks and heads back to where Frank is waiting]

Frank: It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.

[Back at the Costanza's house, George and Frank are just walking in]

Estelle: Where have you been?!! You were supposed to fix the stove! I've

been waiting for hours!

Frank: I fell on some Fusilli.

Estelle: Fusilli?

Frank: You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck

in me. Had to go to the proctologist.

Estelle: The proctologist? Are you okay?

Frank: Yeah.

Estelle: Oh, I was so worried. [grabs a couple of tissues from the box]

George: Ma, don't cry!

Estelle: Oh, I can't help it!

George: Ma, your eyes!

Estelle: Oh!

[END]

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Script by Anna K. Lee (AnnaKrL@aol.com)

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