[Transcribed by William Fifield]

First aired November 4, 1992
Writer Larry Charles
Director Tom Cherones

Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld
Elaine Benes Julie Louis Dreyfus
George Costanza Jason Alexander
Cosmo Kramer Michael Richards
Joe Divola Peter Crombie
Susan Ross Heidi Swedberg
Man #1 Tom Celli
Man #2 Jason Wingreen
Man #3 Glen Chin ("Harry Fong")
Mr Reichman Ross Evans
Mrs Reichman Harriet S. Miller
Usher Bill Saluga


COMEDY CLUB

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the
same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like
the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo
is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are
undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one
step over and she marries the next guy. Thatıs why the wedding vow isn't 'do
you take Bill Simpson', its 'do you take this man'.

INSIDE JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT

Jerry: (answering machine) leave a message and Iıll call you back, thanks.
JOE DIVOLA: Jerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt* I have a hair on my
tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course you do,
you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know you
badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now Iım gonna
put the kibosh on you. You know Iıve kiboshed before, and I will kibosh
again.

JERRY'S APARTMENT.

JERRY ENTERS

KRAMER ENTERS

KRAMER: So, what do you think?
JERRY: About what?
KRAMER: About the opera.
JERRY: Nah, I don't wanna go.
KRAMER: You gotta go.
JERRY: I-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings?
You got something to say, say it!
KRAMER: Jerry, you don't understand, thatıs the way they talk in Italy,
they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian.
JERRY: All right, all right.
KRAMER: Thatıs the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, its
got that sing songy quality. Itıs the language Jerry, the language
JERRY: So why don't they talk like that now?
KRAMER: Well its, uh, well its too hard to keep up, you know, they were
tired.

BUZZER

KRAMER: Better get that
JERRY: Yeah?
ELAINE: (intercom) itıs me!
JERRY: Come on up.
KRAMER: So, huh?
JERRY: I don't know
KRAMER: Oh come on Jerry, its opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The
great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you.
JERRY: Well itıs very flattering. How did you get these tickets, I heard
they're impossible to get.
KRAMER: Oh, well I have many associates.
JERRY: I don't know, opera, itıs not my kind of thing.
KRAMER: All right, you not gonna go Iım not gonna go, Iım gonna call the
whole thing off.
JERRY: No, wait a minute, wait a minute, thatıs not fair, what about
George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for?
KRAMER: You're the nucleus, the straw that stirs the drink. You're the
Miana!
JERRY: Well I guess if Iım the Miana I should go. All right, all right.

ELAINE ENTERS

ELAINE: Hi!
JERRY: Hi!
KRAMER: Hey! Hi Elaine!
ELAINE: You got the tickets right?
KRAMER: Well no, I don't have them on me.
ELAINE: What? Thatıs why I came all the way over here.
KRAMER: My friends got 'em, Iım going to pick them up tomorrow.
ELAINE: Oh, I was gonna surprise Joey with them, you got an extra one
right?
KRAMER: Oh yeah!
JERRY: So I finally get to meet your pal Joey.
ELAINE: Its killing you isnıt it?
JERRY: Yeah, so Joeyıs a great lover of the opera
ELAINE: Listen, I got news for ya, its nice to be involved with somebody
whoıs interested in something other than nick at night. Now heıs got a grip
on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted.

JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT

Opera music playing (Paliachi?)

Divola is crying while lifting weights. Photos of Elaine are scattered on
the floor.

JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY: Well Iım looking forward to meeting him.
ELAINE: I've got to go
JERRY: Where are you going, whatıs the rush?
ELAINE: I'm going to surprise Joey, Iıve never been to his apartment so Iım
just going to 'pop in'
JERRY: Oh, good, men love that!

Kramer is reading Jerry's mail under the lamp.

JERRY: Hey!
KRAMER: You've got a message buddy.
JERRY: Ooo, could be from that blonde
KRAMER: Oo yiggity diggigg
JOE DIVOLA:(answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe Divola. I have a hair on
my tongue'

JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT

DIVOLA HAS HIS HAND OVER A CANDLE AND IS LAUGHING

JERRY'S APARTMENT

JERRY: (shouting) Kramer what am I going to do did you hear that that guy's
gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind....
KRAMER: Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come on, now get a hold of
yourself,
JERRY: What the hell he's supposed to be on medication I don't understand
he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!?
KRAMER: OK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think!
JERRY: I'm gonna call the cops. Thatıs what Iım doing, Iım calling the
cops.
KRAMER: The cops? What are you calling the cops for? Theyıre not going to
do anything!
JERRY: What do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the cops,
they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the
kibosh means, its a kibosh!
KRAMER: Yiddigtkk ka kibosh.
JERRY: I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined some deal
of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC.
KRAMER: Call him and tell him
JERRY: Thatıs what Iıll do, Iıll just call him and tell him, Iıll tell him.
Thatıs all Iıll do. He's a human being, Iıll talk to him. He'll understand.
Right?
KRAMER: Right.... Don't mention my name
JERRY: Oh, I got the machine.
KRAMER: Whatıs his message like?
JERRY: Nice!
KRAMER: Eh!
JERRY: (into phone) Hello Joe, listen this is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think
thereıs been a huge colossal misunderstanding,
KRAMER: Big! Big!
JERRY: and I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the
whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye.

JOE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT

The door is open. Elaine knocks and then enters.

ELAINE: Joey? Joey?

She sees a wall covered in photos of her.
Joe Divola enters and shuts the front door.

ELAINE: Oh god, oh, its you! You scared me!
JOE DIVOLA: Good. Fear is our most primal emotion.
ELAINE: You left your door open.
JOE DIVOLA: I know, I like to encourage intruders.
ELAINE: (laughs) Whatıs all this?
JOE DIVOLA: Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you.
ELAINE: Where did you get all these pictures?
JOE DIVOLA: I took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your
office, your apartment, shopping, showering.
ELAINE: Showering?
JOE DIVOLA: I developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to see?
ELAINE: In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. Not right now. I'm a day
person!... Are you all right?
JOE DIVOLA: Why
ELAINE: Well I don't know, you just don't seem yourself?
JOE DIVOLA: Who am I? Who am I supposed to be?
ELAINE: Thatıs a good question, good question, its very... exerstential!
Who are you? Who am I? Yeah, well.
JOE DIVOLA: What are you doing here?
ELAINE: Oh, nothing, I just stopped by to chat, you know, shoot the breeze.
JOE DIVOLA: Were you able to get those opera tickets to Pagliacci from that
friend of yours? I'm really looking forward to it.
ELAINE: Oh, no, he couldn't get them. We're not going.
JOE DIVOLA: Really?
ELAINE: Oh, dammit, you know I just remembered I gotta go, I left something
on, the gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere so
Iım just gonna get the uh..

Divola is blocking the door with his head.

JOE DIVOLA: You know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?
ELAINE: Uh.. Iım Elaine!
JOE DIVOLA: He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him.
ELAINE: Oh.
JOE DIVOLA: Do you think Iım a clown, Nedda?
ELAINE: Do I think you're a clown? No, not if itıs bad to be a clown, if
itıs bad to be a clown then you are definitely not a clown. But if its good
to be a clown then, you know, I would have to rethink the whole thing.
JOE DIVOLA: You've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda? Who is he.
I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his name.
ELAINE: Oh, like any man would ever look at me, come on, Iım gonna... get
out of here.

Divola blocks the door when Elaine tries to leave.

JOE DIVOLA: Pagliacci kills his wife.
ELAINE: Se, now thatıs terrible, that is not a nice thing to do at all, I
donıt know how this Paliachi thing turns out but you know I would assume
that there is big big trouble for that clown
JOE DIVOLA: You're not leaving

Elaine sprays Divola in the eyes and he falls on his back. Elaine leaves.

JERRY'S APARTMENT.

Jerry:(on phone) But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand, thatıs
not right! What if it was the President of the United States I bet you'd
investigate. So whatıs the difference, Iım a comedian of the United States,
and Iıll tell you Iım under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks anyway,
ok bye.

Knock at door.

JERRY: (cautiously) Who is it?
GEORGE: It's George.

George enters wearing a very small tuxedo.

GEORGE: What, are you locking the door now?
JERRY: Well, well, look at you. Itıs a little skimpy there isn't it?
GEORGE: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I
made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.
JERRY: Ooo, that was a bad toast.
GEORGE: It wasn't that bad.
JERRY: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
GEORGE: I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit.
JERRY: There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Red
Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were
just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the
worst all time toasts.
GEORGE: Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he
could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock! Susan's not
going tonight you know.
JERRY: What do you mean not going? why not?
GEORGE: I don't know, she said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the
airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket.
JERRY: Why doesn't she pay for hers?
GEORGE: That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner,
she doesn't even reach for the check. Thatıs all Iım asking for is a reach.
Is that so much to ask for?
JERRY: It's nice to get a reach.

Loud thump is heard from the front door.

JERRY: Who is it?
KRAMER: It's me!

Kramer is on the floor

KRAMER: What, are you locking the door now?
JERRY: Because of Divola! Get in here... How come you're not dressed?
KRAMER: I am dressed.
JERRY: You're going like this?
KRAMER: Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something.
JERRY: I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera!
KRAMER: People do, I don't.
JERRY: Well what about me! If you're going like that, Iım not going like
this.
GEORGE: Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you think Iım comfortable here. I
can't change, Iıve got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I canıt
go like this alone!
JERRY: Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to
town hall than yours?
GEORGE: Thatıs not the issue, we're friends, if Iıve got to be
uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!
JERRY: All right, all right, Iıll wear this. It's bad enough Iıve got to go
to the opera Iıve got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here.

Kramer is playing opera music

JERRY: Would you turn that down! What is that crap!
KRAMER: It's Pagliacci!
JERRY: Oh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little problem here, we've got two
extra tickets.
KRAMER: Why? What happened?
JERRY: Well Susan isn't going and Elaine just left me a message her friend
isn't going either.
KRAMER: Thatıs fantastic! We'll scalp the tickets, we'll make maybe five
hundred a ticket.
GEORGE: What? Really?
KRAMER: Yeah.
GEORGE: People are looking for tickets here?
KRAMER: What, are you kidding? Opening night Pavarotti and Pagliacci. Ha,
we're gonna clean up!
GEORGE: Oh man! I knew I was gonna love the opera.
JERRY: Oh yeah right.
KRAMER: OK come on, letıs go get the tickets.
GEORGE: All right, all right.
JERRY: All right, you guys listen, I've got to wait here for Elaine, I'll
meet you in front of the theatre.
GEORGE: Oh, wait, isn't scalping illegal?
KRAMER: Oh yeah!

Kramer and George leave.

INSIDE DIVOLA'S APARTMENT

Opera music is playing, Joe Divola is putting on white clown make up.

END OF ACT 1

OUTSIDE THE THEATRE.

Jerry and Elaine are waiting.

JERRY: You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?
ELAINE: Cherry Binaca, itıs new.
JERRY: See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular, then a
year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry,
start with cherry! Then come out with the regular!
ELAINE: It's like I didn't even know him. He's like a totally different
person.
JERRY: Well you should hear the message from my nut. Where's George and
Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out here, I feel
very vulnerable.

Jerry drops a coin that he was tossing.

JERRY: Hey, hey, what are you doing, thatıs my quarter.
MAN#!: No it's not, it's mine.
JERRY: I was just flipping it, it's mine.
MAN#!: No, I dropped it, it's mine.
JERRY: All right, do you want the quarter, take the quarter, but don't try
and tell me it's yours.
MAN#!: Well it is mine.
JERRY: What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think?
You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look at
this, here's a dollar here look, there, thatıs how much I care about money.

Jerry tears up the dollar.

MAN#!: You think I care about money, thatıs how much I care about money, I
don't care about money.
JERRY: Oh yeah, well why donıt you Just get lost.
MAN#!: Why don't you get lost.
JERRY: Because I was standing here, thatıs why.
MAN#!: Oh Yeah?
JERRY: Yeah!

The man walks away.

JERRY: I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough... Anybody else got a
problem?

IN THE PARK

Joe Divola, dressed up in a clown suit is walking through the park.

PARK GUY#1: Hey clown!
PARK GUY#2: hey clown!
PARK GUY#1: Make us laugh, clown!
PARK GUY#2: Nice face, clown!
PARK GUY#2: Make me laugh, clown!

Divola kicks them all to the ground.

ALLEYWAY

Kramer and George are trying to sell the tickets.
KRAMER: I got two, I got two huh, Paliachi, who needs two, Pagliacci, come
on, the great tragic clown, come on, check it out, he laughs, he cries, he
sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it out all
right.
MAN#2: Hey, hey. Are you selling.
KRAMER: Oh yeah, Iım selling.
MAN#2: Where are they?
KRAMER: Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! You'll think you died and
went to heaven.
MAN#2: What do you want for them.
KRAMER: All right, Iıll tell you what Iıll do. Cause you look like a nice
guy, a thousand dollars for the duce.
MAN#2: I'll give you five hundred for the pair.
GEORGE: Ok, it's a deal!
KRAMER: Pzzzt. No.
GEORGE: No? Are you crazy?
KRAMER: Look, let me handle this.
GEORGE: Five hundred dollars, thatıs a great deal!
KRAMER: You're blowing this, the guys a pigeon.

The man walks away

GEORGE: Did you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you?
That was a three hundred dollar profit.
KRAMER: Look, I know what Iım doing here George.
GEORGE: This is not a Metallica concert, itıs an opera alright, a little
dignity, a little class, just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and
sell it.
KRAMER: Oh, yeah.
GEORGE: Thank you very much. You just stand over there, Iıll stand over
here.
KRAMER: I know where Iım standing.
GEORGE: Alright.
KRAMER: Hey!
GEORGE: (shouting) Get your Paliachi!

OUTSIDE THEATRE

JERRY: Where are they already?
ELAINE: I guarantee they don't sell either one of those tickets.
JERRY: Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteenıs father-in-law, Mr Reichman.
George and I were just talking about that today, I canıt believe it! Thatıs
the guy who threw George out of the wedding.
ELAINE: Oh, yeah, when George made that bad toast!
JERRY: Do you remember the curse toast?
ELAINE: Oh yeah, the curse toast.
JERRY: So, can you believe that message? Now Iıve got to spend the rest of
my life looking over my shoulder.
ELAINE: Me too
JERRY: Crazy Joe Divola
ELAINE: How do you know his name?
JERRY: What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name?
ELAINE: I never told you his name.
JERRY: I never told you his name.
ELAINE: Wait a second, who are we talking about here?
JERRY: Joe Divola.
ELAINE: Right, Joe Divola
JERRY: How do you know his name?
ELAINE: I've been out with him three times, I should know the mans name.

They click

JERRY: Oh my god, its Joe Divola
ELAINE: Is he stalking you? are you kidding me?
JERRY: That madman is trying to kill me.
ELAINE: Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his name! Oh my god, he accused
me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said tell me his
name!!
JERRY: Oh! He said that! Can you imagine what he'll do if he sees me with
you! He'll think Iım the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away his
girl, he'll put a kibosh on me!
ELAINE: Oooohh, what about me!

Divola walks up to them, dressed in the clown suit.

JOE DIVOLA: Excuse me
ELAINE&JERRY: Aaahhhhh!!

ALLEYWAY

George still hasn't sold the ticket.

GEORGE: But this is Pavarotti!
MAN#3: Three hundred dollars, thatıs a lot of money.

Mr & Mrs Reichman are walking through the alley

MR REICHMAN: You know Steven Holstman (?) did a production at Tunis last
yeas and from what I understand, the Moslems really took to it.
GEORGE: All right, Iıll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy, letıs stop
jerking around. Give me.. two hundred and fifty dollars, Iıve got people
waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.
MR REICHMAN: Scalping! I told them to put out extra security.. Excuse me.
GEORGE: Hey pop, would you buzz off, I've got something cooking.
MR REICHMAN: Costanza!?
GEORGE: Mr Reichman?
MR REICHMAN: You've still got a mouth like a surd give me those tickets.
MRS REICHMAN: Harold, no, Harold, Harold be careful of you're hair
transplant!

OUTSIDE THE THEATRE

CLOWN: Anything is welcome, I accept change.
JERRY: I don't have anything, I gave it to that guy.
CLOWN: You know, you could just say no, you don't have to humiliate
me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person.
JERRY: I'm telling you, the guy took.....
CLOWN: And I don't need people like you looking down their noses at
me. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough to get by.

Mrs Reichman runs past

MRS REICHMAN: Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere!
CLOWN: What, are you showing off to your girlfriend here, is that it?
ELAINE: I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for a while, but things didn't
really work out.
CLOWN: You people make me sick.
JERRY: That is one angry clown!

COMEDY CLUB

JERRY: The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that
you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", "I'm not
working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's a clown!".
How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to
be a clown, I guess you get to a point where you're pants look so bad, it's
actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done.
Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them,
is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guys
Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!"

END OF ACT 2

JERRY: (Singing) Camera, curtains, lights - This is it, we'll hit the
heights - Oh what heights we'll hit - On with the show this is it!
ELAINE: You know, it is so sad, all your knowledge of high culture comes
from bugs bunny cartoons.
JERRY: Oh there's that clown again, what does he want from me. Look Iım
serious, Iım not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy took it.
JOE DIVOLA: I don't want any money.
ELAINE: I smell cherry.
JOE DIVOLA: It's Binaca.
JERRY: Binaca?

They see the real clown singing and realize that they are talking to Crazy
Joe. They run away.

ALLEYWAY

George is finalizing the deal.

GEORGE: What did we say? Two seventy-five?
MAN#3: Two fifty.
GEORGE: Two fifty? Are you sure
MAN#3: Yeah, yeah, Iım sure.
GEORGE: All right, all right, two fifty.
SUSAN: George!
GEORGE: S-Susan
SUSAN: I can't believe it, Iım so glad I caught you.
GEORGE: What are you doing here, I though you were going to the airport.
SUSAN: Oh, there was some problem with the plane, they landed in
Philadelphia.
GEORGE: So what, they donıt have another plane? She couldn't take a bus?
SUSAN: She's coming in tomorrow. I made it!
GEORGE: Yeah you made it, how about that.
SUSAN: Oh, Iım so excited, now we get to see the opera together.

George gives the man the ticket and takes the money.

GEORGE: We get to go to the opera together!
SUSAN: Who's that?
GEORGE: Thatıs-thatıs-Harry Fong, he's a very good friend of mine and he's
a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what.

ENTRANCE TO THEATER.

JERRY: Come on, you gotta let us in
USHER: Not without tickets.
JERRY: We have tickets, we just don't have 'em with us.
USHER: Well thatıs a problem. Excuse me.
JERRY: You don't understand, someone's after us, a crazy clown is trying to
kill us.
USHER: A crazy clown is after you? Oh thatıs rich. Now clear the entrance so
people with tickets can get through.

Kramer slides in.

JERRY&ELAINE: We're with him, we're with him.
KRAMER: Are you guys ready?
JERRY&ELAINE: Yeah, Yeah!!
KRAMER: Have you seen George?
JERRY: We thought he was with you.
ELAINE: Come on, he's on his own, come on!

SITTING IN THE THEATER

KRAMER: These are great seats huh?
ELAINE: Yeah
KRAMER: Yeah
JERRY: Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver Martone.
ELAINE: Aver Martone. I've heard of her, who's she playing?
JERRY: She's playing, Pagliacciıs wife, Nedda.
ELAINE: Nedda?
JERRY: Yeah.
ELAINE: Oh my god..

Man #3 enters and shuffles to his seat.

MAN#3: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Susan comes in from the other side.

JERRY: Susan! What are you doing here?
SUSAN: My Friend's flight couldnıt make it.
JERRY: Where's George?
MAN#3: I got his ticket.
SUSAN: He decided not to come. He said he was uncomfortable.
JERRY: Uncomfortable? How does you think I feel?.. Hey let me ask you
something, how much did you pay for that ticket?
MAN#3: One seventy-five.
JERRY: Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to?
KRAMER: Some nut in a clown suit!

The show starts, everyone claps except Elaine and Jerry who look very
frightened.

COMEDY CLUB

JERRY: I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how
they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need
binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot
'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty,
three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the women have
like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you
can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, maybe
thatıs more you're thing.

END OF ACT 3

Transcribed by William Fifield