[Monologue, on stage]

Jerry: It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. I would really like to sit down with you. I think we need to sit down and talk. Why don'tyou come in, and we'll sit down. Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting.You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just going to sit here? I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work.

[Jerry and George at Monks]

George: I can't eat this without catsup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?"

Jerry: I know what you mean.

George: Do ya?

Jerry: It's like going out with someone and you never hear from them again.

George: Same thing!

Jerry: Not really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you.

George: Excuse me. Are you using your catsup?

Woman: What do you think? You want to give him the catsup?

Man: It's up to you.

Woman: You know what? I don't think so. I'm going to need it from time to time.

Jerry: So what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies?

George: Nah - what for?

Jerry: To see a movie.

George: I've been to the movies.

Jerry: Not this movie.

George: They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it.

Jerry: Did you shower today?

George: Yeah.

Jerry: That's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered.

George: When is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes!

Jerry: Oh, quit complaining. At least you have your health.

George: Ah! Health's not good enough. I want more than health. Health's not doing it for me anymore. I'm sick

of health.

Woman: All right, we're done. You can have it now.

George: Oh, very gracious.

[Jerry and George are walking down the sidewalk. Kramer and Elaine drive up.]

Man: Nice day

George: Yeah.

Jerry: What is that?

Kramer: Hey! JoJo!

Jerry: Ey, ey!

Elaine: All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer.

Kramer: No, thank you. So what are you doing?

Jerry: Nothing.

Kramer: Come on, let's go to the beach.

George: What are you crazy?

Kramer: What? It's a beautiful day.

Jerry: Have a good time.

Kramer: Yeah, there's something in the air today. You feel it? There's something in the air.

Jerry: You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster?

Kramer: Yeah, there's something in the air.

[Kramer drives off]

Elaine: Oh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything okay? What? I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. Wha? I'm going to call you back.

Jerry: Jill's father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone?

Elaine: What? No good?

Jerry: Faux pas.

Elaine: Faux pas?

George: Big hefty stinking faux pas.

Elaine: Why?

Jerry: You can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying "I don't want to take up any of my

important time in my home so I'll just get it out of the way on the street."

George: On-the-street cell-phone call is the lowest phone call you can make.

Jerry: It's an act of total disregard. It's selfish.

George: It's dismissive.

Jerry: It's pompous.

George: Why don't you think before you do something?

Elaine: Here's a thought - Bye bye.

[Exit Elaine]

George: Too much?

[Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment]

George: Boy - I'm really surprised at Elaine - that whole phone business - she should know better than that.

Jerry: Hey - hey - hey!

George: What?

Jerry: Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend.

George: You're so uptight.

Jerry: Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party.

[Jerry listens to his answering machine]

Phone Tape: Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC. Could you please give us a call?Thanks.

Jerry: Hello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem,

definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough.

George: Who's he?

Jerry: He is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry."

George: Our show, "Jerry"?

Jerry: Right.

George: "Jerry", oh my God. He wants to talk about "Jerry"?

Jerry: Yeah!

George: When?

Jerry: Today, like right now.

George: Right now? "Jerry"?

Jerry: "Jerry"!

George: He wants to talk about "Jerry"?

Jerry: He wants to talk about "Jerry"!

George: "Jerry"!

Jerry: "Jerry"!

George: Can I go like this?

Jerry: Sure!

George: No sports jacket? I don't need a sports jacket? Writers wear sports jackets.

Jerry: Forget the sports jacket.

George: I won't feel like a writer.

Jerry: You're not a writer.

George: Right!

[Jerry and George are sitting in a waiting room at NBC]

George: Water. Need some water! Water here!

Jerry: Ok, now listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time.

George: Don't worry, don't worry, no scenes.

Jerry: Don't blow this.

George: I will not blow this.

Jerry: If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts.

George: It's fine, it doesn't have to be about nothing.

Jerry: He might not want nothing.

George: Something, nothing, I could care less.

Jerry: He might want a show about anything and everything.

George: Anything, everything, something, nothing - Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down!

Jerry: All right.

Receptionist: Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you

George: Magic time.

Jerry: What?

[Jerry and George are escorted into Mr. Kimbrough's office]

Receptionist: Mr. Kimbrough.

Stu: Hey, Jerry, good to see you.

George: Hey, hey, hey!

Stu: How you been?

Jerry: Good, good. You remember George.

Stu: George, good to see you.

George: Hello Stu.

Stu: You remember Jay Crespi.

George: Jay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay Crespi?

Stu: This is James Kimbrough.

Kimbrough: Nice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for coming in.

George: Kimbrough.

Jerry: Don't spell.

George: K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H

Kimbrough: That's right.

George: It's a talent I have.

Kimbrough: Why don't we sit down, glad you're here.

George: Woo! Some day out there - You ever see weather like that? Woo! It's crisp - it's crispy crisp.

Jerry: Shut up, George.

Kimbrough: Can I get you anything?

George: What do we have in the fruit department?

Jerry: Oy.

Stu : Pineapple.

George: Oh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like a weapon that thing, got spikes on the end. You can get killed from

one of those things.

Kimbrough: Anyway, let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I reviewed what was in development,and it was pretty much same old, same old.

George: Been there, done that.

Kimbrough: Right. I was looking for something different. Something that would have people talking at the water coolers.

George: Water coolers?

Crespi: We call it a water-cooler show.

Jerry: Because the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right?

George: See, I think people would talk about it at the coffee machines.

Jerry: Well it's probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than "coffee machine show."

George: It's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more - they use bottles.

Jerry: But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point.

Kimbrough: Anyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, "Jerry", that he developed five years ago.

Stu: I have always loved it.

Kimbrough: He said it was a show about nothing. So, I saw the pilot and I've got to tell you - I flipped out.

Crespi: He totally flipped out.

Kimbrough: What I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build up an

audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy.

Jerry: He's a little off the wall.

Crespi: Oh yeah.

Stu: Kramer.

Kimbrough: And Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two.

Jerry: Definitely.

George: I tell you, I really don't think so-called relationship humor is what this show is all about.

Kimbrough: Or we could not do the show altogether, how about that?

George: Or we could get them together. Woo!

[George and Jerry attempt a hug outside Mr. Kimbrough's office]

George: Yeah!

Jerry: Yeah!

[Elaine is at home using the phone when Jerry calls to tell her the news]

Elaine: Jill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. Well, I was just calling to see how your fa..

I'm sorry, I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello?

Jerry: Hi. Elaine, it's me.

Elaine: Jerry, I'm on the other line.

Jerry: No no - this is an emergency - get off the phone.

Elaine: I'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency?

Jerry: The "Jerry"'s back on - the TV show! George and I are moving to California!

Elaine: That's the emergency?

Jerry: Did you hear what I said?

Elaine: I was on the other line talking to Jill.

Jerry: Jill? Well, why didn't you say so?

Elaine: You said it was an emergency.

Jerry: So now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk.

[Jerry is telling his parents the good news about Jerry]

Helen: Congratulations, they're doing the show.

Morty: They should have put that show on 5 years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network. Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena the Warrior Princess. She must be about six-six.

Helen: She's not six-six.

Morty: Jerry, you ever watch that?

Jerry: Yeah, it's pretty good.

[George is telling his parents the news.]

Estelle: They picked up the show?

George: I'm moving to California.

Frank: Oh baby-doll, this kid's going places, I told you.

Estelle: The NBC guy liked it?

George: Of course he liked it.

Estelle: He told you he liked it?

George: He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it.

Estelle: Well, what are you doing?

George: I'm writing.

Estelle: You know how to write?

Frank: Without the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good.

Estelle: Since when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything.

George: Ma?!

Estelle: I don't know how you're going to write all those shows. And where are you get all the ideas?

Frank: Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence!

George: I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing.

Estelle: Nothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth - the whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me.

[Jerry is on the phone with his agent, Kramer walks in.]

Jerry: NBC is letting me use their private jet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's fantastic! Thanks. Great.

Okay, bye.

Kramer: Oh hey!

Jerry: Hey - how was the beach?

Kramer: Oh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas - some major femininas

Jerry: I had a little meeting today at NBC. What are you doing?

Kramer: You know, I went swimming and I can't get this water out of my ear.

Jerry: So do you remember five years ago, we did that pilot, "Jerry"? Well, the new guy at NBC wants to do it.

They're putting it on the air! They're giving us a 13-episode commitment. George and I are moving to California!

Kramer: You're moving to California?

Jerry: Yeah, only for a while.

Kramer: Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years! You might never come

back.

Jerry: No, I'll be back.

Kramer: Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.

Jerry: And my agent said as a bonus, I can use their private jet, so we'll all go somewhere - the four of us, one big fling before George and I go to California.

Kramer: Fling!

------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------

[The group is sitting at their table at Monks]

Elaine: So we can go anywhere we want?

Jerry: Anywhere.

Elaine: Why are they doing this?

Jerry: I think they want to make it up to us cause they let this thing sit on their shelf for five years.

Elaine: This is all very exciting.

George: So? Where are we going?

Kramer: I say Japan.

Elaine: Why Japan?

Kramer: Oh - geishas - they cater to your every whim. They're shy at first, but they're quite skilled at conversation. They can discuss anything from world affairs to the fine art of fishing - or baking.

Elaine: Oh - I got it - how about Russia?

Jerry: Russia, it's so bleak.

Elaine: It's not bleak - it's springtime.

Jerry: It's still bleak.

Elaine: You can't be bleak in spring.

Jerry: You can be bleak in spring.

George: If you're bleak, you're bleak.

Elaine: What about Switzerland?

Kramer: Oh - Switzerland - the Von Trapp family, huh?

George: It's a bit hilly - no?

Elaine: You're not going to do any walking.

George: What if I want to walk around a little?

Elaine: So then you'll walk down the hill and we'll pick you up.

George: What if I'm at the bottom?

Elaine: All right! You know what, just forget it!

Jerry: Alright - come on - come on now, people. Let's face it, we're not all going to agree on anything.

Why don't we all just go to Paris?

Elaine: I'll go to Paris.

George: Me too.

Kramer: Oh yeah - oui oui.

Jerry: So that's it - it's settled, we're going to Paris.

Group: Yeah!

[Elaine walks into Jerry's apartment]

Elaine: Hey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep beep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call Jill one more time before we go.

Jerry: Wait, you can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that conversation.

Elaine: Well, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane?

Jerry: First you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk, then she loses a call-waiting face-off, now you're talking about

a plane call?

Elaine: All right, I'll just have to call her from Paris.

[Knock at the door. Jerry answers.]

Newman: Hello, Jerry.

Jerry: Hello, Newman. What gives?

Newman: I was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris?

Jerry: Yeah, that's right.

Newman: Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you know I'm one-quarter French.

Jerry: Really.

Newman: Oh yes, in fact I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her - bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.

Jerry: That's a shame.

Newman: Take me! Take me!

Jerry: Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man!

Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of

reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching - watching as it all comes crumbling down.

[The group arrives by limo to the airport]

Captain: Ah, Jerry?

Jerry: Yeah.

Captain: I'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot, Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?

Jerry: All set. We'll just grab the bags.

Captain: Don't worry about that. We'll take care of them for you.

Jerry: Just keeps on getting better and better.

[Our heroes enter the plane]

Jerry: Not bad.

Elaine: Wow!

Kramer: The only way to fly.

George: This is it?

[After take-off, the group chit-chats]

George: I'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little disappointed, I thought it would be a lot nicer.

Jerry: You're complaining about a private jet?

George: You think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets?

Jerry: Ted Danson is not even on the network anymore.

George: Still, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this one.

Elaine: Will you shut up? You are ruining the whole trip.

George: This is a real piece of junk. I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a good mind to write a letter toMr. Kimbrough.

Jerry: You're not writing any letters!

Elaine: Will you turn around?

George: Why?

Elaine: You are annoying me sitting like that. It's effeminate.

George: It's effeminate to sit like this?

Elaine: Yes, I think it's a little effeminate.

George: How is this effeminate?

Elaine: I don't know - it just is.

George: Kramer, what are you doing?

Jerry: Still got water in your ear?

Kramer: Can't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked inside my brain.

George: Would you stop that? It's not safe to be jumping up and down on a plane.

Kramer: I got to get it out, I can't take this anymore.

George: Kramer, don't be fooling around up here.

George: Kramer!

Captain: Hey, get the hell out of here!

Elaine: What is that?

George: Oh my God!

Elaine: What is that noise? What is that noise?

Jerry: Kramer, what the hell did you do?

Kramer: I lost my balance.

Elaine: Oh my God!

Elaine: What's going on?

Jerry: Kramer!

Kramer: It was an accident.

George: I told you to stop with the hopping.

Elaine: Oh my God, we're going down. We're going to die!

George: Just when I was doing great. I told you God wouldn't let me be successful.

Jerry: Is this it? Is this how it ends? It can't- it can't end like this.

Kramer: I'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah!

George: Jerry? Jerry can you hear me?

Jerry: Yeah.

George: There's something I have to tell you.

Jerry: What? What is it?

George: I cheated in the contest.

Elaine: What?

Jerry: What?

George: The contest - I cheated.

Jerry: Why?

George: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.

Jerry: Great - I won.

Elaine: Jerry, I gotta tell you something too.

Jerry: Yeah, Elaine I got something I want to say to you.

Elaine: No no - me first.

Jerry: Alright.

Elaine: Jerry, I've always loved ..u..

George: Hey - What's going on?

Kramer: We're straightening out!

Elaine: We're straightening out?

Jerry: We're straightening out!

George: We're straightening out!

Group: Yeah!

[Outside the plane]

Captain: Well, again, sorry about that little mishap. But once you get everything checked out there shouldn't be anymore problems.

Jerry: Where are we?

Captain: Latham, Massachusetts. Why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat. I got your beeper number - I'll beep you as soon as we're ready.

Jerry: Okay.

Elaine: Okay.

Jerry: We'll see you later.

[In front of a store, in Latham, Massachusetts]

Elaine: Well, what are we going to do about Paris? I mean are we actually going to get back on this plane?

Jerry: I say we go back to New York, and take a regular flight.

George: I'm not getting on a regular plane now - I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane.

Elaine: Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class.

George: First class doesn't make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one - the Ted Danson plane.

Jerry: Alright, I'll feel him out.

George: Yeah, just tell him to hurry it up.

Stranger: Nice day.

Jerry: Another one?

[A carjacking takes place in front of the group]

Robber: Alright fatso, out of the car.

Kramer: I want to capture this.

Robber: Come on! Gimme your wallet.

Victim: Don't shoot.

Jerry: Well, there goes the money for the lipo.

Elaine: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know? They can't really chase ya!

George: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.

Robber: I want your wallet. Come on. Come on, come on.

Jerry: That's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call NBC.

Victim: Officer, he's stealing my car! Officer, I was carjacked. I was held up at gunpoint! He took my wallet, everything!

Jerry: Okay, thanks anyway. They can't get another plane.

Kramer: All right, what's wrong with the plane we got? They're just checking it out.

Elaine: Forget it.

Jerry: No, no, no. We're not getting on there. Come on, let's go get something to eat in Sticksville.

Officer: All right, hold it right there.

Kramer: What?

Officer: You're under arrest.

Jerry: Under arrest? What for?

Officer: Article 223-7 of the Latham County Penal Code.

Elaine: What? No, no - we didn't do anything.

Officer: That's exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger as long as it's reasonable todo so.George: I never heard of that.

Officer: It's new. It's called the Good Samaritan Law. Let's go.

------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------

[In a cell, at the Latham County Jail]

Elaine: The Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy?

George: Why would we want to help somebody?

Elaine: I know.

George: That's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for.

Kramer: The Samaritans were an ancient tribe - very helpful to people.

Elaine: Alright - um, excuse me, hi, could you tell me what kind of law this is.

Deputy: Well, they just passed it last year. It's modeled after the French law. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed and all those photographers were just standing around.

Jerry: Oh, yeah.

Elaine: Oh, yeah.

Deputy: You're the first ones to be arrested on it, probably in the whole country.

George: All right, so what's the penalty here? Let's just pay the fine or something and get the hell out of here.

Deputy: Well, it's not that easy. Now see, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000 and as much as five years in prison.

Elaine: What?

George: Oh no no no no - we have to be in California next week. We're starting a TV show.

Deputy: California? Oh gosh, I don't think so. Yeah, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted. Better get yourselves a good lawyer.

[Lawyer Jackie Chiles' office]

Chiles: Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on.

[The phone rings]

Secretary: Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.

Chiles: You people with the cheese. It never ends. Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable. Hold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me. I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts,right away.

Prosecutor: So they got Jackie Chiles, huh?

D.A. Hoyt: Uh huh. You know what that means. This whole place is going to be swarming with media by the time this thing is over. You're not going to be able to find a hotel room in this town. The whole country is going to be watching us. Now we got to do whatever it takes to win it, no matter what the cost. The big issue in this trial is going to be

character. I want you to find out everything you can about these people - and I mean everything.

[The four are in prison, having a meal]

Kramer: Mmmm, this is pretty good chow, huh?

George: Would it kill him to check up on us? No - drops off the meals and that's it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to catsup.

Elaine: I guess we could've called for help.

Jerry: But then we would have missed the whole thing.

Kramer: I still had it on video. We could have watched it later.

George: Yeah, he's right.

Jerry: I forgot about the video.

Elaine: Sure - the video.

[Jerry's beeper starts beeping]

Elaine: What is that?

Jerry: Plane's ready.

[Rivera Live news show]

Rivera: Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about what most of you have probably been

discussing in your homes, and around the water coolers in your offices. I am speaking of course of the controversial Good Samaritan trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. Now before we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live, where Jane Wells is standing by. Jane-

Wells: Yes. Good evening, Geraldo.

Rivera: What's the mood? What's going on tonight?

Wells: Well, Latham is fairly quite tonight, considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint little town.

Rivera: And what about the defendants - the so-called New York Four. How are they holding up?

Wells: Well, I did speak with one of the deputies who had some contact with them, and he told me quote "There's no love lost with that group."

Rivera: Anything else, Jane?

Wells: There also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld, and Ms. Benes. The rumor is that they once dated,

and it's possible that ended badly.

Rivera: Well, ladies and gentlemen, who know, maybe this trial will bring them closer together. Maybe they'll even end up getting married.