Originally posted on The News
Guys(Mike's) site http://www.geocities.com/tnguym
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first aired : 4/25/96
director : Andy Ackerman
writers : Berg / Schaffer
Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld
Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer
Jason Alexander as George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes
George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium
George : I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls , here at the stadium ,
don't offer much by way of privacy . But I was thinking if we extend the doors
all the way to the floors ......
Mr. . Steinbrenner : All the way to the floor ! What are you crazy ! You'd
suffocate in there . Your lucky you have any doors at all . You know when I
was in the army ...... Hey Costanza . What's that your eating over there ? It
looks pretty tasty .
George : It's a calzone , sir .
Mr. . Steinbrenner : A calzone huh . Pass it down here . Let's have a look at
at it . I want a little taste . Come on , come on . Pass it down here . That's
a good boy . Okay . What's in this thing ?
George : Uh . Cheese , pepperoni , eggplant .
Mr. . Steinbrenner : Eggplant . Yes . That's a hell of a thing . Okay let's
get back to business . Okay here you go . Very good , very good . Excellent .
excellent calzone you got there Costanza . Okay a little jealous now . Okay
lets go . Ok last week ....... You know that eggplant was very good .
Everybody out . I got eggplant on my mind . Costanza get me couple of those
calzones right now . Pronto . Move out . Pigstein what's an eggplant calzone .
Must have one . Everybody out . Out .
Jerry and Elaine at apartment
Elaine : One of those fabric wholesalers . This guy Todd Gack . I won a bet
from him .
Jerry : What bet ?
Elaine : He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars .
Jerry : Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars !?! Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader .
I don't think so .
Elaine : That's what I said .
Jerry : So the bet was that the loser has to buy dinner ?
Elaine : Yeah .
Jerry : Huh .
Elaine : What ?
Jerry : No . nothing .
Kramer walks in
Jerry : What's with you ?
Kramer : Feel this .
Jerry : Wow .That's hot .
Kramer : Yeah . It's piquing hot . It's fresh out of the dryer . Hey Elaine
you have to feel my pants .
Elaine : I'll see you later .
Kramer : Oh . All right . You don't know what your missing . I'm loving this
Jerry . I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight
out of the dryer .
Jerry : So know every time you get dressed . You are going to go down to the
basement and use the dryer .
Kramer : Oh yeah . It's a warm and wonderful feeling , Jerry . So what are you
doing later ?
Jerry : I got a date with Nikki .
Kramer : Oh yeah she's a beauty .
Jerry : She's also quite bold .
Kramer : Oh bold and beautiful .
George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium
Mr. Steinbrenner : I am loving this calzone . The pita pocket prevents it from
dripping . The pita pocket . (phone rings)What is it Watson ? A lost and found
. No . I don't think we need that . If people keel over because they lost
something that's there tough luck . You got a drip on your mouth by the way .
George : You know a lost and found could be a good idea .
Mr. Steinbrenner : Hold on Watson . You like lost and found George ?
George : Definitely .
Mr. Steinbrenner : All right lost and found . But these got to be a time limit
. We're not running a pawn shop here .
Jerry and Nikki at movies
Jerry : Hey , Elaine .
Elaine : Hi Jerry !
Jerry : This is Nikki .
Nikki : Hi !
Elaine : Hello . This is Todd Gack .
Jerry : Oh of course . Todd Gack . You did you bet was in Star Wars ? Sammy
Elaine : So what movie are you guys seeing ?
Nikki : "Means to an End "
Elaine : Oh . We were going to see that but it was sold out . So were going to
see " Blame it on the Rain "
Jerry : Why don't you see what you can do ?
Nikki : Okay .
Elaine : What's she going to do ? There's no more tickets .
Jerry : We'll see .
Todd : Hey Jerry . Do you like cigars ?
Jerry : Yeah . Why ?
Todd : I am going to Montreal tomorrow and they sell them dirt cheap .
Jerry : Hey ,that might be a nice idea for George's wedding .
Todd : So do you want a box ?
Jerry : Sure . If there cheap Why not .
Todd : All right I buy a box and give to Elaine .
Nikki : Okay two tickets "Means to an End"
Jerry : Told you .
Elaine : How did you do that ?
Nikki : I just talked to the manager .
Jerry : All right . Enjoy " Blame it on the Rain "
Jerry and George at the coffee shop
George : There putting in a lost and found because of me . There's a time
limit but still .
Jerry : There really building a Utopian society up there huh .And you
tribute all this to the calzone .
George : Yeah . I am like a drug dealer . I got the guy hooked . I am having
lunch at his desk everyday this week . He doesn't make a move without me .
It's very exciting .
Jerry : With you two guys at the helm . The last piece of the puzzle is in
George : So let me ask you a question about the tip jar . I had a little
thing with the calzone guy this week . I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and
just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way . And then when I am
leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing . I mean if they don't
notice it what's the point .
Jerry : So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind .
George : Not bills .
Jerry : So George . Remember when I told you Nikki gets whatever she wants .
We are at the movies last night . It's sold out . Nikki goes and talks to the
manager . Right in .
George : Beautiful women . You know they could get away with murder . You
never she any of them lift anything over three pounds . They get whatever they
want whenever they want it . You can't stop them .
Jerry : She's like a beautiful Godzilla .
George : Without thousands of fleeing Japanese .
Jerry and Kramer at his apartment
Kramer : Hey buddy .
Jerry : What the hell is all this ?
Kramer : I am looking for quarters for the dryer .
Jerry : Why can't you do this on your table ?
Kramer : Because I don't have a table .
Elaine walks in
Elaine : Hey .
Jerry : Hey . So how was "Blame it on the Rain ?"
Elaine : Huh . Yeah thanks for getting us tickets too .
Jerry : Oh !! Let me ask you a question . Was the movie part of the bet ?
Elaine : No . We were both in the mood for one .
Jerry : You know Elaine , It is not my way to intrude on the personal lives of
close fiends ....
Elaine : Oh is that so .
Jerry : Absolutely . But I feel I must inform you that what happened last
night was more than a simple bet .
Elaine : What are you talking about ?
Jerry : Come on . Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars . He made a bet he knew he was
going to lose just to take you to dinner
Elaine : If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me.
Jerry : Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected . He has
found a dating loop hole .
Elaine : I don't buy it.
Kramer walks in with more change
Jerry : So what happened after the movie ?
Elaine : Nothing . He walked me home .
Jerry : To the door ?
Elaine : Yeah .
Jerry : That's a date .
Elaine : No it's not .
Jerry : But I never walk you home .
Elaine : That's just because your a jackass .
Kramer : Ah !! I found a quarter . Anybody want there clothes heated up ?
Jerry : No , no .
Elaine : No , no .
Jerry : So how did you leave it with him ?
Elaine : I am supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars .
Jerry : That's another loop hole . That's two dates without asking you out .
Elaine : Your crazy !
Jerry : Crazy like a man .
George at Pisano's
Worker : Number 49.
George : You know my last name is Costanza . That's Italian . So you and I are
like country men . Pisano's !
Worker : $ 6.50 your change .
George : And I always take care of my Pisano's . So here is a little
( drop in tip and worker looks the other way , so George decides to take it
out and try again only to get caught )
Worker : Hey ! You steal my money !!
George : No no . That's not what I was trying to do .
Worker : I know what you try to do . Get out . Don't ever come back ever .
George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium
George : I got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner .
Mr. Steinbrenner : Beautiful . I am starving George .
George : I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corn beef .
Mr. Steinbrenner : Corn beef . I don't think so . It is a little fatty .
George : How about Chinese ?
Mr. Steinbrenner : Uhhhhh . No . Too many containers . Big mess , big mess .
Too sloppy .I want to stick with the calzones from Pisano's . That's the
George : I just thought it would be nice . A little variety .
Mr. Steinbrenner : No , no , no . George let me tell you something . When I
find something I like I stick with it . From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same
lunch everyday . Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread . Bread bowl George
. First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl . There's nothing more
satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but a table .
Todd walking Elaine to her apartment
Elaine : Thanks for the dinner .
Todd : Well I had to give these cigars and we were both hungry .
Elaine : Hey Todd . Let me ask you a question . Um . Was this whole date thing
just a way of asking me out ?
Todd : What ?
Elaine : I mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars ?
Todd : Elaine that was a legitimate bet and I lost so I bought you dinner .
Elaine : Oh all right . Okay well , goodnight .
Todd : Hey , if your not doing anything Saturday do you want to meet somewhere
Elaine : See what is that ? Is that a date ?
Todd : Why can't two people go and do something without it being a date ?
Elaine : All right . I am sorry it's not a date .
Todd : No way . So I'll see you Saturday night ?
Elaine : All right .
Todd : Pick you up at 8:00 p.m.
Jerry and Nikki getting pulled over by a cop
Police officer : Do you know what the posted speed limit on this road is ?
Jerry : I was got to be 55 .
Police officer : That's right it is . Do you know how fast you were going ?
Jerry : A lot faster than that !
Police officer : Step out of the car sir .
Jerry : Okay dokey
Police officer : Can I have your license and registration please ?
Jerry : Absolutely . Nikki !
Nikki : Yes .
Jerry : Would you mind bringing the officer the registration ?
Nikki : Not at all .
Police officer : I got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour .
Jerry : You must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that curve because
for a while there I was doing well over 100 .
Nikki : Officer . Hi . Do you really have to give us a ticket ?
Jerry : All right Nik . That's it .
Kramer and Jerry at his apartment
Kramer : Hey buddy . I am waiting for my shirt .
Jerry : You got your shirt in my oven !?!
Kramer : I didn't have any quarters for the dryer . Anyway this is better .
And it's more convenient .
Jerry : For both of us .
Kramer : And I have a lot more control . I have one shirt going for 10 minutes
at 325 degrees .
Jerry : What's wrong with your oven ?
Kramer : I am baking a pie !
Buzz , buzz
Jerry : Yeah .
George : Yeah .
Jerry : Come on up .
Kramer : You got cigars , huh .
Jerry : I got some Cubans for George's wedding . They were more than I wanted
to pay for but what the hell !
Kramer : Oh yeah baby . spit , spit . What are these ? " Perducto de Peru "
Jerry , if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming .
Jerry : Peru ! I paid $300 bucks for these . I could have bought a house in
Peru for $300 bucks !
Kramer : You got ripped buddy .
Jerry : I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has some excuse
to see Elaine again without asking her out .
Kramer : That's a nice name . Todd Gack . Is that Dutch ? ( Dingggggg )
Oh baby . Here we go . Uh momma .(putting his fresh out of the oven shirt
on ) Hey George hey .
George : Well this is bad . I am really in a bad situation now .
Jerry : so what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzones ?
George : What's he going to do ? That's exactly the point . Nobody knows what
this guy is capable of ! He fires people like it is a bodily function .
Jerry : Why don't you get someone else from the office to go get Pisano's for
George : Because before you know it he'll be having lunch with him . You know
how these interoffice politics work .
Jerry : No . I never had a job .
Kramer walks in with no pants on
Kramer : I decided to go with the brown one 's . (pants)
George : What the hell is this ?
Jerry : Kramer's cooking up some corduroy .
George : There has got to be some way to get back into Pisano's .
Kramer : Pisano's . That's the place by the stadium right ?
George : Yeah . You've heard of it ?
Kramer : Yeah . Newman raves about it . It's on his mail route . He goes by
there everyday .
George : I'll see you guys later .
Jerry : What kind of pie are you cooking ?
Kramer : Huckleberry .
George at Newman's apartment
Newman : You certainly are in a bind .
George : Yeah . And since you go buy there everyday . I was hoping that we
could help each other out .
Newman : Oh well . Let me perfectly blunt . I don't care for you Costanza .
You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just
it up wasting your lives .
George : Are you going to help me or not ?
Newman : All right , all right . I'll help you but I will except something in
George : What ?
Newman : Well for starters I want a calzone of my own .....
George : All right .
Newman : And a slice of pepperoni pizza and a large soda and three times a
week I will require a canolie .
George : That's a little steep don't you think ?
Newman : You know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic . I would hate
to see him when he's hungry .
George : All right , all right .
Newman : Do we have a deal ?
George : But I have to have them by one o'clock . He's very regiment about his
Newman : I know exactly how he feels . Pleasure doing business with you . Do
come again . Ha , ha , ha , ha .
Todd and Elaine at a restaurant
Elaine : This is nice .
Todd : Gack . Party of four .
Elaine : Party of four ? Who are we meeting ?
Todd : Mom ! Dad ! This is Elaine .
Mom : Hello .
Elaine : Hellllllooooo .
End of dinner
Mom : Nice meeting you .
Todd : Bye mom .
Mom : She's wonderful .
Elaine : What the hell was that ?
Todd : What ?
Elaine : Why did you introduce me to your parents ?
Todd : There nice people . I thought you would like them .
Elaine : Come on Todd . Admit it , this is a date .
Todd : Why is this a date ?
Elaine : Saturday night with your parents . Unless I'm your sister this is a
Todd : Elaine . I don't understand why you can't meet someone else's parents
without classifying it as a date .
Elaine : Well if it's not a date then what is it ?
Todd : It's a lovely evening together .
Elaine : I don't believe this .
Todd : Well I am getting a cab want to join me ?
Elaine : No . I'll just walk home .
Todd : Okay goodnight . ( goes to kiss her )
Elaine : Now what was that ?
George at Newman's apartment
Knock , knock
Newman : Hello . What 's this ?
George : Well I was dropping of the calzone money for the week .... Um
shouldn't you be at work by now ?
Newman : Work ? It's raining .
George : Soooooo
Newman : I called in sick . I don't work in the rain .
George : You don't work in the rain ? Your a mailman . " Neither rain nor sleet
nor snow ....." It's the first one .
Newman : I was never that big on creeds .
George : You were supposed to deliver my calzones . We had a deal !
Newman : I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route .
Well today I won't be going on my mail route ! Will I . Perhaps tomorrow .
George : But I'm paying you !
Newman : Yes thank you . ( slams door )
George : Newman !!
Nikki and Jerry at his apartment
Nikki : Peru ? I thought you wanted cigars from Cuba ?
Jerry : I did .
Nikki : Well if these aren't what you wanted then why did you pay him ?
Jerry : Well what could I do ? Unless you pay him a visit .
Nikki : Okay .
George at Kramer's apartment
Knock , knock
George : Kramer !
Kramer : Hey you !
George : Look I need you to do me a favor . I need you to get me lunch at
Kramer : What happened to Newman ?
George : He called in sick .
Kramer : Oh yeah right it's raining .
George : Can you do it ?
Kramer : What time do you need it at ?
George : 1:00 p.m. Do you need any money ?
Kramer : No . I got eight tons of change . I'm loaded .
Kramer on street
Kramer : Hey hold that bus !
Kramer at Pisano's
Kramer : Hey . It's really wet out there .
Worker : What can I get you ?
Kramer : I here you make a pretty mean calzone .
Worker : Calzone !
Kramer : Yeah calzone .
Worker : The best !
Kramer : All right . Lay them on me . I'll take three .
Worker : Three calzones .
Kramer : Hey . That's a big oven . Huh . Listen . I was wondering if you could
do me a favor .
Elaine goes to the coffee shop
Elaine : Hey Todd .
Todd : Hi . You know Nikki .
Elaine Yeah sure .
Nikki : Wait . Elaine will settle this . What's the "M" stand for in Richard
M. Nixon ?
Elaine : Milhouse .
Nikki : I told you so . He said it was Moe . You owe me a dinner .
Kramer at Pisano's
Worker : Your order is ready . Three calzones and one shirt and jacket .
Kramer : Oh . This is all burned up . Look at this .
Worker : What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt ? What the hell is
this? Your paying in pennies ?
Kramer : That's all I got .
Worker : No . You have to have bills . Paper money . You can't pay with this.
Kramer : I told you this is all I got .
Worker : Then no calzones .
Worker and Kramer yelling at each other back and forth in Italian
George's office at Yankee Stadium
George : What happened ? Where have you been ?
Kramer : The guy wouldn't give them to me because I wanted to pay in change .
George : What the hell happened to your shirt ?
Kramer : He overcooked it . It's ruined .
George : Your clothes smell just like Pisano's . There's another Italian place
on Jerome . Maybe I can fool him .
Mr. Steinbrenner at his office
Mr. Steinbrenner on phone : That's right . Do you want to say it again . I'll
say it again . I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care
that you don't believe me or not . And how's this . Your fired . Okay your not
.I am just a little hungry . Where's Costanza with my calzone . It's 1:15 .
He's late . That smell . I have to call you back . Costanza . He's in the
building . Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office . Costanza
! I'll get you .
Jerry and Elaine at apartment
Jerry : Stupid cigars . You know if I didn't send Nikki over to talk to him
they wouldn't be together .
Elaine : These are terrible .
Jerry : It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone .
Elaine : What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway .
Jerry : I think it's Dutch . I got to get going .
Elaine : Where are you going ?
Jerry : I ... uh ....promised Nikki that I'd walk her dog for her .
Elaine : But she broke up with you .
Jerry : I know , I know . But some how she explained it to me and I couldn't
say no .
Elaine : It smells like a rubber fire .
Jerry :What's that ?
Elaine : I said rubber fire .
Jerry : Oh .
Elaine : Did you ever pay Todd for these things ?
Jerry : Actually it's being taken care of right now .
Kramer at Todd's apartment
Knock , knock
Kramer : You Gack ?
Todd : Yeah .
Kramer : Here's your money .
Kramer throws a bag full of change at him
Mr. Steinbrenner in George's office
Mr. Steinbrenner : George . Why do these clothes smell like Pisano's ?
George : Because they were heated up there .
Mr. Steinbrenner : Heating up your clothes ? That's not a bad idea .
<Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">