Cast:
Gina Gallego [ Gina ]
Mimi Lieber [ Rula ]
C.E. Grimes [ Martin ]
Howard Schecter [ Doctor ]
Aimee Aro [ Faithy ]
Peggy Lane O'Rourke [ Nurse ]
Broadcast: 29 Jan 92
Written by: Tom Leopold
Directed by: Tom Cherones
[Jerrys Apartment]
JERRY: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?
ELAINE: Na.
JERRY: What are you doing? Were going out for dinner in ten minutes.
ELAINE: Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days?
[buzzer]
JERRY: Yeah.
GEORGE: Its George.
JERRY: Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. Youve got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that?
ELAINE: I dont know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?
JERRY: I think Ill take out the garbage.
ELAINE: Hey, have you ever fasted?
JERRY: Well, once I didnt have dinner until, like 9:00 oclock, that was pretty rough. [exits to hall with garbage meets George] Hey, do me a favour will ya? Throw out my garbage for me.
GEORGE: Yeah, right.
JERRY: Come on, its just down the hall.
GEORGE: Give me two bucks. Ill do it for two bucks.
JERRY: Ill give you 50 cents.
GEORGE: Theres no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.
JERRY: Come on. Fifty cents. <??> a piece of Drakes coffee cake
GEORGE: Youre not getting no Drakes Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, Im all set. I got the ticket. Im going to the Cayman Islands this Friday.
JERRY: I dont get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?
GEORGE: Its an incredible deal. I dont know why you dont come with me.
JERRY: Nah, I dont go for these non-refundable deals. I cant commit to a woman. Im not going to commit to an airline.
[Gina enters the hall]
GINA: Hi.
JERRY: Hi.
GINA: How are you?
JERRY: Gina, do you know what a Drakes Coffee Cake is?
GINA: Of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top.
JERRY: How much do they cost?
GINA: The junior?
GEORGE: No, no the full size.
JERRY: No, no the junior.
GEORGE: You didnt say "junior".
GINA: I havent had one of those since I was a little girl.
JERRY: Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! [MARTIN enters the hall] How ya doing?
MARTIN: Good enough.
[MARTIN leaves with Gina]
JERRY: Boy shes sexy isnt she?
[Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramers apartment and knocks on the door. As he and George enter Jerrys apartment Kramer comes out and takes the garbage bag.]
JERRY: Do you believe that guy?
ELAINE: What guy?
JERRY: My neighbour:
ELAINE: Oh, that creepy guy?
JERRY: Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her?
GEORGE: He didnt seem too pleased.
ELAINE: Maybe Ill get a steak with french fried onion wings.
GEORGE: hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing.
JERRY: Whats so amazing? Youve seen him before.
GEORGE: I havent seen him for months.
JERRY: What was the dream?
GEORGE: I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.
JERRY: I think Ive played there.
GEORGE: Ive had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me.
JERRY: Youre a little paranormal
ELAINE: Hey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic.
GEORGE: Really?
ELAINE: Uh uh, you should go some time.
GEORGE: Id love to go. Make an appointment.
JERRY: Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job?
GEORGE: I just got fired.
JERRY: Alright, come on, lets get out of here.
ELAINE: I wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast.
JERRY: I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits.
ELAINE: Really?
JERRY: Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits.
[They exit]
[Jerrys apartment late at night there is knocking at the door]
JERRY: Who is it? Who is it?
GINA: Its Gina.
JERRY: Who?
GINA: Martines girl friend.
JERRY: Martine?
GINA: You next door neighbour.
JERRY: Oh, Martin!
[Jerry opens door]
GEORGE: Its Martine. I think hes dying. He tried to kill himself with pills.
JERRY: What?
GINA: Come on.
JERRY: In my pajamas? I better get my robe.
GINA: We dont have enough time.
JERRY: Itll take two seconds.
GINA: There is no time.
JERRY: We dont have two seconds?
GINA: All right. Go ahead.
JERRY: Nah, forget it.
GINA: No, go ahead.
JERRY: Nah. Ill just wear the pajamas.
GINA: Will you just get it.
JERRY: Are you sure?
GINA: Forget it. Come on.
JERRY: Nah, Ill go get the robe.
[Metropolitan Hospital Center]
JERRY: Thats not too bad. Its not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime.
GINA: You know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore.
JERRY: Really? Its over?
GINA: I could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a mans hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy.
JERRY: Oh boy, did he say anything about me?
GINA: He does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drakes Coffee Cake.
JERRY: He said that?
GINA: He was screaming about it all night. How its too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it.
JERRY: Im sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly.
GINA: I wasnt.
JERRY: You werent?
GINA: No, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me?
JERRY: Of course.
GINA: Tell me everything.
JERRY: Are you sure he cant hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN.
GINA: I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him.
JERRY: I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how theyre going to look at a thing like this.
GINA: I saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead.
JERRY: No, I just wanted to see what time it was.
GINA: Are you afraid of him?
JERRY: No.
GINA: Then kiss me.
JERRY: Here?
GINA: Yes, right here.
JERRY: Is this the proper venue?
GINA: You dont want to?
JERRY: No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to.
GINA: Then kiss me right in front of him.
JERRY: I cant. What if he wakes up?
GINA: A man is lying here unconscious and youre afraid of him? What kind of a man are you?
JERRY: A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guys got a coma going like this you dont want to mess with it.
[Jerrys apartment]
KRAMER: Hey.
JERRY: Hey.
KRAMER: Did you hear about Martin?
JERRY: Yeah, I heard.
KRAMER: I cant believe hes in a coma.
KRAMER: Hes got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?
JERRY: Who told you about Martin?
KRAMER: Newman! Hes good friends with him.
Jx; Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed.
KRAMER: Hes got all of my attachments, you know.
JERRY: Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?
KRAMER: What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian?
JERRY: You know I dont get that whole suicide machine. Theres no tall buildings where these people live? They cant wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?
KRAMER: So whats going on between you and Gina?
JERRY: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night.
KRAMER: Uh, uh.
JERRY: So were in the room and shes trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
KRAMER: Uh, uh, you see thats the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do?
JERRY: Nothing.
KRAMER: Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you dont have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
JERRY: I didnt know what the coma etiquette was.
KRAMER: There is no coma etiquette. You see thats the beauty of the coma, man. It doesnt matter what you do around it.
JERRY: So youre saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, its all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim.
KRAMER: Id give him 24 hours to get out of it. They cant get out of it in 24 hours, its a land rush.
JERRY: So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, hes thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, theres nothing left?
KRAMER: NOTHING LEFT! Thats why Im trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebodys going to grab it.
[The psychics apartment]
RULA: Martins spirit came to you as a warning.
ELAINE: Why would he come to George?
RULA: Because George has heightened extra sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE.
GEORGE: I knew it. I always felt different.
RULA: You are. Some coffee cake?
GEORGE: Drakes?
RULA: Yes.
GEORGE: Did you buy this for me?
RULA: No, why?
GEORGE: Ha, because I love Drakes Coffee Cake.
RULA: Maybe I did.
ELAINE: Take it away.
GEORGE: She hasnt eaten in two days.
RULA: Whos Pauline?
GEORGE: Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline.
RULA: Do you think about her?
GEORGE: When I hear her name mentioned.
RULA: Cut these with your left hand.
GEORGE: There was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose.
RULA: I see an Audrey, but with a small nose.
GEORGE: Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again?
RULA: Not in this life.
ELAINE: Should you be smoking?
RULA: Does it bother you?
ELAINE: Youre pregnant.
GEORGE: Elaine.
RULA: I smoked when I had Faisy.
RULA: Ah oh.
GEORGE: Ah oh? What? What Ah oh?
RULA: I dont know about this trip George.
GEORGE: You can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What?
ELAINE: Its really bad for the fetus. Do you know that.
GEORGE: Elaine, shes a psychic. She knows how the kids going to be.
GEORGE: Should I not go on this trip?
RULA: George, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me.
ELAINE: Now listen. I just dont know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth.
GEORGE: Elaine, what are you doing?
ELAINE: Its disgusting.
RULA: I DONT BELIVE IT. I would like you both to leave.
ELAINE: Oh fine, I dont like to be around people who are just so irresponsible.
RULA: Get the hell out.
[Elaine leaving]
GEORGE: A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
RULA: Do you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando.
GEORGE: If you dont say anything I will assume its a plane crash.
RULA: Get out.
GEORGE: Not a plane crash. [leaving] Is it a plane crash?
[Jerrys apartment]
GINA: I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles.
JERRY: You can say what you want about me but Ill be damned if Im going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.
GINA: It is too small for someone with such a big mouth [kisses Kerry]. Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse?
JERRY: No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.
GINA: Who are these Stooges you speak of?
JERRY: Theyre a comedy team.
GINA: Tell me about them. Everything.
JERRY: Well, theyre three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot.
GINA: You will show me The Stooges?
JERRY: I will show you The Stooges.
GINA: When?
JERRY: Well, I dont really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know.
GINA: Come, you walk me to a cab.
JERRY: Well, uh, I uh, I dont want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe its not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.
GINA: Youre still afraid. You are not a man.
JERRY: Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?
GINA: Are you going to walk me to a cab or not?
JERRY: Yeah, all right. All right.
[Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman]
KRAMER: You should just eat fruit.
NEWMAN: I cant eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.
KRAMER: ???
NEWMAN: Hello Gina. Hello Jerry.
JERRY: Hello Newman.
[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway]
JERRY: Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me.
GEORGE: People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didnt hurt me.
ELAINE: [jumps with fear to Jerry] Did you see that wall move?
JERRY: Boy, its a good thing we came.
GEORGE: Could there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe theres native unrest.
ELAINE: Hi, I havent eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray.
Nurse: Well call you.
JERRY: George, I want you to promise me something. If Im ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage.
GEORGE: How come?
JERRY: Looters.
ELAINE: How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it?
JERRY: Shes really hungry.
[Kramer enters]
KRAMER: Hey.
ELAINE: Kramer
KRAMER: Well, Newmans upstairs visiting Martin.
GEORGE: Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket?
KRAMER: Youre not going?
GEORGE: No.
KRAMER: Why not?
GEORGE: The psychic said something terrible will happen.
KRAMER: I dig.
[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martins room]
KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, shes going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, shes going to kill me.
W: He cant hear you, you idiot. Why dont you just buy another one.
KRAMER: Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one?
W: I have a carpet sweeper you can use.
KRAMER: I dont want a carpet sweeper. They dont do anything.
W: It gets my rug clean.
KRAMER: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.
W: Well, you should take a look at my rug then.
KRAMER: I wouldnt set foot in your house.
[Jerry enters]
JERRY: Hello.
NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.
JERRY: Hows he doing?
KRAMER: He looks happy to me.
NEWMAN: I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up.
JERRY: Why wouldnt he?
NEWMAN: No reason.
JERRY: Hell have a lot of catching up to do, I guess.
NEWMAN: Ill bring him up to date.
JERRY: How up to date?
NEWMAN: Oh, all the way up.
JERRY: And nothing could change your mind?
NEWMAN: Well, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn.
KRAMER: Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. Hes not going.
NEWMAN: I dont care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,..
JERRY: Drakes Coffee Cake
NEWMAN: Wow, where did you get that?
JERRY: From my house. I got a whole box of them.
NEWMAN: Boy, thats the full size.
JERRY: Thats your big boy.
NEWMAN: Can I have a bite?
JERRY: I dont give out bites. I got another one. But Im saving it for later.
NEWMAN: Just one bite?
JERRY: I dont think so. You know they, theyre so fragile.
NEWMAN: All right! All right. I wont say anything.
JERRY: You swear?
NEWMAN: I swear.
JERRY: On your mothers life?
NEWMAN: On my mothers life.
KRAMER: oh oh oh oh oh
NEWMAN: Oooh,
[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway]
ELAINE: And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck.
[George sees the Psychics girl, Faisy and follows her into the Psychics room]]
GEORGE: sweetheart, no come here, sweetheart
RULA: pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing)
GEORGE: how did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal.
RULA: The nurse said she would be right back. Theyre supposed to take me into the delivery room.
GEORGE: Oh, thats great. Thats great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I dont even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldnt get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off ..
RULA: Oh, wheres the nurse
GEORGE: I dont know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why dont you get a nurse for mommy? Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip.
RULA: Dont take that trip.
GEORGE: Yeah, why? Why?
RULA: <screams> EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit.
[Doctor enters]
Dx: All right, Rula, its time to go.
GEORGE: Because? Because?
[Elaine enters Martins room]
ELAINE: Assassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! Drakes Coffee Cake? Give me that.
NEWMAN: Jerry, you better stop her or Ill tell.
JERRY: Elaine! No! No!
MARTIN: Ooooh, ahhhh,
[In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth]
GEORGE: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
[Martins room Martin grabbing Jerry Elaine eating the Drakes Coffee Cake]
NEWMAN: He did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you.
KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner!
JERRY: Hey!
NEWMAN: It was disgusting.
[Jerrys apartment]
JERRY: What are you doing? Were going out to dinner in ten minutes.
GEORGE: I never assisted in a birth before. Its really quite disgusting.
JERRY: What did she name the kid?
GEORGE: You wouldnt believe it. Rasputin.
[Kramer enters]
KRAMER: Heey!
GEORGE: Hey.
JERRY: Hey.
GEORGE: when did you get back?
KRAMER: A couple of hours ago.
GEORGE: So how was it?
KRAMER: George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life.
JERRY: osh.
KRAMER: They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.
JERRY: Woah. [hitting George]
KRAMER: Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.
JERRY: Wow! [hitting George]
KRAMER: I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson
JERRY: Oh! [hitting George]
KRAMER: We played Backgammon in the nude.
JERRY: Oh! [hitting George]
KRAMER: Shes a sweet kid.
JERRY: Nude backgammon with swimsuit models!
KRAMER: Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. Thats probably what Rula was trying to warn you about.
GEORGE: Yeah, you gotta watch for the jellyfish.
KRAMER: Yeah.
KRAMER: Whats this?
JERRY: Oh, its an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina.
KRAMER: They moved in together?
JERRY: Yeah, its some place down in the village.
KRAMER: Phew.
[buzzer]
JERRY: Yeah.
ELAINE: Its Elaine.
JERRY: All right were coming down.
KRAMER: Hey, where ya going?
JERRY: Were taking Elaine to dinner. Shes got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go?
KRAMER: Um, Id like to but a bunch of us from the islands, well be getting together.
GEORGE: Elle McPherson going to be there?
KRAMER: OH! I got to call her back.
[Kramer exits]
The End
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site http://www.geocities.com/tnguym